Kaworu Nagisa ♫ ♪ (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
labyrinthos) wrote2014-08-10 07:03 pm
labyrinthos) wrote2014-08-10 07:03 pm
To listen is an effort, and just to hear is no merit. A duck hears also. —Igor Stravinsky
Note: Continued from here with brokenparadox. Discussion of ducks, foods, and first loves. (Modern AU where Kaworu is human.)
brokenparadox. Discussion of ducks, foods, and first loves. (Modern AU where Kaworu is human.)
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[On the way to the self-checkout stand, he does snatch up a bag of powdered donuts. He refuses to talk about Hope Estheim without some sugar in his system. It'll keep him from getting... well, irritated. Frankly, what happened before he met Noel is none of Noel's business. If Noel wants an itemized list of everyone Kaworu has ever kissed, that would take a few days to write up.
Kaworu sighs inwardly. He tells himself to stop being so defensive; it's not conducive to communication. Trying to empathize with Noel is more important.]
--I'll take care of it.
[He slips away from Noel while they're checking out and fishes out his wallet. When he opens it up, a few bars of "Ode to Joy" play for him, tinny and off-key. As much as he loves this musical wallet, the tune just scrapes at his nerves today. He pays for the groceries with a plain debit card.
Outside, the fresh air has never smelled so sweet. He's thankful to be free.]
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No amount of respect garnered by junk food is going to change how unpleasant Noel feels, though. There's a layer of something stuck between them that wasn't there before and it's Noel's fault, and also not, and he wasn't thinking about how to talk about any of this, he's so ridiculously unprepared. But ... Bagging, Noel can focus on bagging and get that much right. He settles both plastic handles in one hands, but the donuts get to stay out. They're important.
He doesn't say anything until they've actually made it to the park, who knows if it's a good or bad thing that they make it there relatively quickly. He still doesn't know what to say but by now Noel is brave enough to just go with his heart.]
I'm not mad because you've been with other people. I want you to know that much. [It's really too nice out to be having a talking like this but it's true. If it was anyone else then Noel wouldn't care, but his absolute best friend, the only rock that Noel has known aside from Yeul? Yes, that is Noel's business in nearly the same way that Shinji is Kaworu's business.]
Did Hope ever say anything about me? Besides us being friends.
[In a sense he doesn't want the answer to this question, he doesn't want to know if Hope told Kaworu everything or not, about Noel's puppy-eyed confession, about how he went right back to smiling after it obviously wasn't going to happen.]
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After the fourth donut, he's ready to answer Noel's questions.]
Hope said many things about you, actually.
[He licks powdered sugar off of his thumb. He doesn't tell lies.]
That's how I became interested in you in the first place.
[Even though Noel said they wouldn't break up... they can still drift apart in much the same way. It wouldn't be the first time Kaworu has inadvertently bridged the divide between two people. Playing matchmaker is supposed to be fun and fulfilling. Instead, he's startled by how badly he wants to keep Noel close to him. He only felt this possessive of Shinji before now.
Last night changed the landscape of his heart, like tectonic plates shifting.]
Why are you mad at me?
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Hope talked about him.
Kaworu became interested in Noel because of Hope.
This feels so fucked up.]
I'm not mad. [He could understand why it seems that way but, really and truly, Noel isn't mad. He's confused and hurt, guilty and lost. Not ... Mad. They've never had to deal with any sort of conflict, things have always been relatively calm between himself and his boyfriend until last night and maybe that is why it feels like so much at once as if parts of his world are rotting from the inside out. He takes a deep breathe. Forget the total lack of communication now there's something else Noel has to settle.]
Is it that you never noticed me until Hope said anything, or that we might not have ever ended up in the closet if not for Hope?
[This is incredibly thin territory because, as mentioned, Kaworu is very loving. Even Noel hesitates to believe that Kaworu would put such thought into it. At the very least he might have simply thought oh, that's Noel Kreiss, been understanding, and then it just happened. There's nothing malicious or cruel in that. If his curiosity stemmed solely from Hope, then that ... It feels different.]
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[But there is nothing insidious about how Kaworu wound up meeting Noel. With a growing heaviness, he explains,]
I thought you were heterosexual, you know.
[Given Noel's recent, rather public spree of girlfriends, who would have thought differently? Kaworu doesn't care about rumors, only what he can verify for himself.]
Hope indicated otherwise, which is why...
[The wind shifts his hair in and out of his misty eyes. He feels like he's ruining everything again, and this time he doesn't know why.]
It's never my intention to make someone feel uncomfortable. I don't touch anyone who hasn't approached me first, in most cases. Whenever I do take the initiative, it's with the knowledge that I won't be received negatively. [Pause.] I learned the importance of that after having my arm broken.
[As careless as he can seem, Kaworu isn't oblivious to reality. He has no desire to get his shit kicked in--again--by angry alpha males whose heteronormative world views have been threatened. Like it or not, even the nicest people can turn into complete monsters. Admiring Noel from afar had been a safer bet.]
Do you understand?
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Right now ... Right now the timing of events needs to be fully laid out. Because this is just so ...]
So my heart gets broken which leads to serial dating in order to hide how terrible I felt. Meanwhile Hope decides to tests his limits with you to see if he could 'meet my needs', which leads to him talking which gives you the positive go ahead that I wasn't straight therefore making the closet event a reality. Though that was a party so I'm not assuming you set that up.
[Actually ending up together at that party seems to be the one genuinely random occurrence. The rest feels as if it was orchestrated by the universe.]
The rest is pretty obvious.
[He looks at Kaworu, appearing more flummoxed by this whole thing than upset.] Am I missing any pieces?
[This is a good time to take a page from Hope Estheim: Full disclosure. Including the whole 'admiring' thing if it went on for more than a week.]
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I didn't set up any of it, Noel.
[The only questionable part about this whole thing: Kaworu's decision to pursue Noel, period. Maybe he shouldn't have stepped in between Hope and his best friend. Maybe he should have found a different athlete to moon over. However, his heart wanted Noel and he has a tendency to follow his heart.]
I knew you'd be at that party, though. I went to many of the same parties you did. [After another pause, he adds,] I've attended all of your soccer matches, too, if that matters.
[In retrospect, Noel might notice a pale, weird, mostly serene kid in the peripheral vision of his memories. Someone who had been around for a while. For the entire school year, at least.
Kaworu Nagisa, the orphan.
Kaworu Nagisa, the pianist.
Kaworu Nagisa, the incarnation of lust.
When Kaworu falls in love, it's not a fickle and fleeting thing. He never really gets over it, even if he moves on. Besides, Noel was special to him from the very beginning; the unattainable element was comforting, not discouraging. Kaworu felt safe existing just outside of Noel's orbit. He knew his limits right away and wouldn't mistakenly violate them.
The day he discovered he could actually touch Noel, he almost didn't believe it.]
What else do you want to know?
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More than anything he wants to know how he's supposed to be feeling about this. Is it okay that it's all surprising and odd? Is it okay that Noel kind of wants one of those donuts and to stare up at the sky for a little bit? His life was never particularly complicated before this, but the high school years are meant to be a sort of unbearable hell in order to strengthen them for the even worse version of hell that is the Real World. Noel supposes that he only got off lucky by having it easy as a Freshmen, up until the whole Hope thing really came to a head.]
This whole time...
[Every game he played, most of the parties, always in the same halls, their shared world was a minuscule one and, still, for good reason they hadn't ever crossed paths. Kaworu had every right to be concerned for his safety and while Noel had figured out that he wasn't entirely straight early on, he understands why it would not have been clear to anyone who didn't sit down and talk to him for an extended period of time.
He reaches back to tug at his own hair, sighing. The tension melts from his bones and he leans into the tree trunk, he's tired and relieved at once.]
Why didn't you tell me any of this when we became a little more serious?
[That was the only question Noel had really wanted to ask in the beginning. Everything else just sort of tumbled so violently that maybe his mild disorientation makes sense. The longer he talks out his own feelings the more relaxed Noel becomes until he really does look tired as he'd said earlier.] I'm not upset about anything you've done before, it's not my right to be. But Hope's my best friend, I would probably tear down a skyscraper for that Science-addicted weirdo [Noel's Science-addicted weirdo. Friend.], so hearing about that out of nowhere while I just finished telling him that I had apparently become a slave to your dick was surprising.
[He didn't want to police anyone or be difficult, he just didn't want to be left out in the dark especially when it concerned two of the most important people in his life.]
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[Crude. Also, kind of charming. Also, very disturbing. For the most part, Noel has defined the boundaries of their relationship. If Noel doesn't want to have sex, then he doesn't have to. As for what happened last night... well, it wasn't an unforgivable mistake, but it did do a number on their sense of normalcy. Kaworu is so sorry.
Worst of all, this latest trainwreck has plowed through what should be pure happiness: Kaworu asking Noel to marry him. They were going to have silver rings with engravings. They were going to exchange last names and live together someday. Kaworu sadly wonders if they'll be able to recover anytime soon. Regardless of what Noel says, this feels like a total disaster.]
I wasn't going to confess Hope's feelings for him.
[If he could redo all of this (he can't redo), he'd probably try approaching Noel as a friend instead of a lover. He regrets his caution and inaction now. At the time, he thought Noel was content with his circle of friends and family. He didn't want to cause trouble for himself, too.]
His lack of courage had nothing to do with me. Please understand that.
[The truth can be harsh.]
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[He has the sense to look a little guilty. Hope really does get the absolute worst of Noel's random thoughts for no particular reason other than it's a part of their friendship, and he can't stay buried underneath his self given work all the time.]
Hope doesn't have feelings for me, we're best friends.
[And that's just how it is. He's hardheaded and difficult about issues, it bothers him that Hope didn't give him any sense of agency, that he just chose to deal with everything by himself. Noel understands why he did such a thing, Hope builds walls of logic and reasoning to protect not just himself but, sometimes, what he can accidentally do to other people. That's how Noel has seen it. So while he's upset about it he won't be cruel or hold onto it, but just forgetting about the entire thing isn't possible either. It's one of those matters that one simply has to live with.
As such Noel doesn't know what Kaworu means by 'lack of courage'. Maybe it's referencing that Hope went to Kaworu instead of Noel, but that didn't seem to have much to do with courage. In fact considering Hope's state of being it must have taken a good amount of umph to not only breach that topic but also explore it. Noel wonders if he felt inadequate and resolves to ask his friend later, and give him a hug if the answer is 'yes'.]
I'm sorry, it was just confusing and a mess, everything was made worse by horrible timing. Can you forgive me?
[For being a slightly inflammatory, overly emotional excuse of a train wreck?]
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With a sigh, he turns away to stare at the rippling duck pond. The tranquil surroundings haven't helped to soothe his heart--it feels like something is squeezing it, harder and harder. He feels trapped in between two realms of lesser and greater significance: his happiness, and Noel's happiness. As much as he'd like them to be one and the same...]
You said it yourself: Hope wanted to meet your needs.
[His voice is thin.]
What is love if not the desire to meet someone's needs?
[Noel's happiness wins out, of course. Kaworu can't be selfish.]
You didn't wrong me, Noel. [He reaches up to his face, determined to hide his frown before it forms. He says, unsteady,] You haven't done anything wrong. You spoke from your heart.
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[And Hope had only meant to protect him, hadn't wanted to feel like he was unable to take care of Noel in the way relationships demanded. He got that. But it was still cruel around the edges. What was the use in protecting someone if you ended up closing them off in the end? Noel would have liked the opportunity to navigate the possibilities with Hope, to learn to be patient and understanding, understand what he was going through. While those traits existed in their friendship to one extent or another - not that he's positive, he still feels so far away from the very best friend that he's so viciously protective of - the romantic tilt would have brought something different.]
And the operative word there is 'wanted'.
[He's expecting Kaworu to be upset with him for butting into this issue, ripping it open after the emotional chaos that was last night. That doesn't seem to be the case, which is beyond concerning. He ignores the donuts and reaches up to try and peel Kaworu's hand from his face. If he manages it then he holds Kaworu's one in both of his because that hand is precious. In fact, all of Kaworu is precious.]
You're upset and I was supposed to be making your life easier, I've fucked something up here.
[He squeezes gently, leans in to kiss his temple.] Talk to me, please.
[Because Noel hasn't gone near the topic of leaving Kaworu, he has very little idea how to interpret these responses without making wild and frankly very random assumptions. It was better to plead for honesty since Kaworu couldn't lie to begin with. They would keep stumbling through this until it got better. It just might take a while longer than he thought.]
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You do have a point.
[All in all, Noel is making it impossible for Kaworu to be self-sacrificial. Removing himself from a conflict is Kaworu's number one way of resolving a conflict. He didn't expect to run into this level of interference. It's strange. In comparison to his relationship with Shinji, it's very strange. Shinji's brand of love is selfish and self-serving. Humanity behaves selfishly in general, sometimes to the extreme.
So, when push comes to shove, Kaworu expects Noel to exhibit the same selfishness. He's proven wrong every time.]
You're a very good person, Noel Kreiss.
[He looks down at their joined hands. Holding hands is one of his favorite things to do. Even so...]
I don't understand why so many people aren't like you.
[Carefully, giving Noel time to adjust, he climbs in between Noel's legs as if he belongs there. He slouches somewhat and then curls in, resting his head on Noel's shoulder. He lays one hand on Noel's chest in search of his heartbeat, too. If they aren't breaking up, then Noel should be willing to indulge him like this. He wants more attention. He wants all the attention in the world.
As evidenced by his behavior, he's not done being petulant. He's tired and sore and stressed out, and Noel forced him to go shopping.
He says, in a smaller voice,] The grocery store reminds me of the hospital. It's upsetting.
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[He says this while Kaworu arranges himself whatever way he likes. Noel is patient about it, and when his lithe boyfriend is settled he can be held a little closer, one palm runs up and down the length of his back in a soothing motion. Noel leans back into the tree again, lets the bark dig into his skin through his shirt, it's not as uncomfortable as he thought it would be. They aren't breaking up and he knows Kaworu needs attention, would have needed it either way, really.]
[That's his only response for a moment or two and it's probably not as immediately emotional or apologetic as Kaworu might like, but, well, what can Noel do? It's terrible that he's reminded of something like that, and Noel doesn't like to be the reason terrible memories cropped up but Kaworu needs to take better care of himself. That includes going shopping.
He may not be selfish in the same way of Shinji Ikari but that only makes room for him to be displeasing in other ways.]
There's an organic market on the other end of town, everyone's nice there.
[But it is farther away, hence why they didn't go there this time.] The lights are dimmer, too.
[It's a very ... Hippie-ish place, Noel likes it, everything is a little disorganized at times and they sell more than just groceries, and sometimes there are freelance artists outside. Kaworu might be more comfortable with a place like that, but he's not getting out of the shopping overall. Not without getting some genuine flack from his boyfriend, anyway. Noel won't always be around to help or do it for him, and he would feel better if Kaworu could slowly work over the issue.]
There's enough for a few days, so I feel better about these prospects.
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[It isn't an empty platitude. As an individual, Noel is so meaningful. No one else has ever challenged Kaworu to simply take better care of himself. If it weren't for today's semi-successful haul, he'd still be slurping on crusty soup. Hopefully, with enough practice, relying on restaurants to feed him will become a thing of the past. All he needs is a push in the right direction.]
I love you.
[His fingers curl into Noel's shirt, as if to anchor him. He feels set adrift. Losing Shinji as a boyfriend most likely means losing Shinji as a best friend. If they're going to reconcile, it's going to take a great deal of effort--from both sides, not just Kaworu's. He doesn't know if that is possible.
Noel is helping to lull him by rubbing his back, at least. It feels nice. It's what a concerned parent will do for their children, right? After a bad day? After a bad dream? He's seen it happen on TV and in movies. Friends and lovers can do it for each other, too. He's glad that Noel is his friend as well as his boyfriend. Right now, more than anything else, he could use a good friend.]
Next time, I want to go to the organic market. Please take me there.
[The ducks are quacking and splashing somewhere in the background. If he feels like moving again, he'll see about feeding them; that was part of the happy outing he imagined originally. For now, there's something he wants to ask before it's too late.]
Hey, are you going to hurt Shinji?
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[It could be argued that if Noel was able to see the same uniqueness in himself that Kaworu finds so simply he might become an arrogant and generally insufferable asshole. It's probably for the best that Noel believes himself to be relatively normal, he's just glad that Kaworu is choosing to listen to him instead of stay off in his own corner, remaining content with some of his less positive habits.]
I love you, too.
[He's a bit dedicated to constantly saying it in response, it feels like bad luck to never say it in return. His eyes close and he continues to deliver as much affection as possible. He's not really thinking about if this is a friend action or a boyfriend action, doesn't being with someone also mean you are their best friend? He doesn't really want to deal with someone who tries to insist those terms need to be separate.
Right now, Kaworu agreeing to the organic market feels like a victory within itself and Noel rewards them both for it by leaning forward to give him a little kiss. They'll go there sometime later in the week and since he knows a bakery along the way they can pick up a cake on the way home, too.
But that question ....]
Why would I hurt him? [Well, that question needs to be reworded a bit.] Instead, why would you think I'm more likely to go and hurt him now when I haven't before?
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Very little is making sense to him after they've broken up. Fortunately, he still has Noel to keep him from losing the way forward. The rest of the world is a dark thicket; Noel feels like a compass.]
Because you were angry last night.
[No amount of self-interest will allow him to overlook it. If Kaworu's body is sore right now, it's because they spent hours burning up their uglier feelings. They fucked and they fucked until they were too tired to doubt each other. There's a twinging pain in his thighs when he shifts closer.]
I've never seen you that angry. [Like he's confessing a sin, he says,] I'm angry at him, too.
[Anger reminds him of being younger and more helpless. He'd prefer to be tranquil.]
The best form of revenge is living well. Let's live well together.
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I was. Still am, to a point.
[He can't ever really stop, not anytime soon. Eventually the feelings will dissolve, eventually Noel Kreiss will not ever think of Shinji Ikari until it becomes necessary. But that'll be at least another month. Noel is calm but he doesn't forgive easily and his instincts never forget.]
No matter how upset I am I won't go out of my way to hurt him, Kaworu. That would do more damage to you than it ever could to him, and I won't be selfish like him, either.
[Refusing to understand other people's feelings, refusing to come out of his own emotions to be logical and mature - Noel can't stand people like that, he just can't. But he hasn't lost his own tranquility just because of a little flare up. Shinji isn't even worth that much, as far as he's concerned.
He holds him a little tighter for a few seconds, lets out a calming sigh.] Of course we'll live well together. I won't let anything get in the way.
[That was always the plan until Kaworu wanted to change it.]