labyrinthos | To listen is an effort, and just to hear is no merit. A duck hears also.

[After the fourth empty cupboard, Noel went back to Kaworu and simply said:]

You have no food in this house, so we're going grocery shopping. Don't make me pick you up.

[He wasn't leaving room for this 'but I don't eat a lot' or 'there's no need to worry about it' or any other kind of excuse Kaworu was capable of producing. This was horrible and obviously the result of him being left alone for far too long. Noel had been trying to change that, spending as much time with Kaworu as much as his schedule allowed. He still had a life to live and tend to, and as mentioned before, Noel wouldn't forsake it for anything, not even love.

But he could put in a damn good effort to make that love as woven into everything else as realistically possible. So far it had been working out. More often than not Noel just doesn't have the time or energy to think about his discussion with Hope, but even today he's caught himself almost asking -

Did Hope kiss you better than I do?

Why didn't you just tell me?

It's something that needs to be discussed, patiently and with understanding, but not before they're out of the grocery store. Noel's got a cart ready, wiped down with one of those antibacterial clothes provided at the entrance.]

Alright, what do you like to eat?

[Kaworu doesn't seem the least bit thrilled to be standing in the grocery store. When it comes to chores of this nature, he procrastinates to an extreme degree. He goes out to restaurants, mostly, and then stretches his leftovers as thin as possible. Shopping for groceries is not a fun activity to him. In general, the grocery store is not a fun place for him. It's too bright--almost glaring--from row after row of fluorescent lights on the ceiling. Combined with the lighting scheme, the store's cool temperature, muffled sounds, and endless white linoleum serve to remind him of a hospital.

He can't stand hospitals. He spent most of his early childhood inside hospitals.

How he allowed Noel to drag him out here, he'll never know. Maybe he's simply too tired to fight. He's nauseated and his legs, hips, and back are sore. Despite Noel's best efforts otherwise, he still feels a bit hollow. Not as bad as before. Just a bit. But just a bit is enough to make him upset.

At least he looks like less of a wreck for the time being. A long shower, clean clothes, and a comb for his hair worked wonders on him.]

I like vegetables, [he says quietly, staring down at his shoes. This is as close as Kaworu gets to sulking: avoiding eye contact.] I don't like meat, but I do like vegetables. Any kind of vegetable. And fruit. Sweet-tasting, not sour or bitter.

[On his next inhale, he notices the stomach-churning stench of seafood. He hopes they don't need to go any closer to that section of the store. If he vomited in front of Noel, he'd ruin his self-image more than he already has. Why is Noel willing to put up with him, anyway?]

Maybe I'd like a vanilla cake, too.

[Noel can't pretend to love the grocery store any more than Kaworu does, but it's a very necessary evil. Eating out so often and testing the expiration dates of already processed food just isn't a good idea. And what if he's hungry and nothing is open? There's no need to half starve himself like that. So they're here, even if Kaworu is upset about it. They're here even if the remnants of before cling to his paler other half like a demented ghost.

As he speaks Noel looks back at him, noting how utterly childish Kaworu, who is usually near impenetrable calm, too-gentle-to-be-superior, looks right now. It's actually endearing.]

Well, there are a lot of those, so we're in luck.

[He takes Kaworu's hand gently and leads him deeper into the vegetable section, as if the presence of his preferred food might put him in a better mood with time. Hardly prone to over think it Noel just starts grabbing things and putting them in the cart, he'll double check everything before they go. Cucumbers, carrots --]

What about rice, bread, and other grains?

[He can't pretend to know too much about vegetarianism or veganism, so he's not going to hesitate to ask, here.]

[Ritsuko Akagi, Kaworu's legal guardian, is the only other person who has seen this childish side of Kaworu. It's faintly embarrassing to be so unlike his usual self. After the painstaking process of growing up, he shouldn't be acting like this. He's being self-indulgent, self-pitying, petulant, abrasive...

In other words, he's being a perfectly normal teenager. How unsettling.

Holding hands with Noel does improve his mood to some degree. As long as Noel is willing to put up with him, he won't take it for granted. He's very lucky to have a friend--a boyfriend?--like Noel Kreiss.]

Uhm, grains don't give me any trouble... [He looks up at the bright lights, squinting blearily. His head hurts.] I like pretzels. I like saltine crackers, with cheese. When I can eat with just my fingers, it's nice and convenient.

[He shouldn't force Noel to take care of every aspect, he thinks. He steps forward and personally selects a few more items: a package of white mushrooms, pre-cut celery sticks, and fresh bagged romaine lettuce. His fingers linger on the lettuce before he drops it into the cart.]

Could we do something fun after this?

Edited 2014-10-14 06:34 (UTC)

[One of these days Kaworu will realize that the shining, idealized parts of his personality were nice, even endearing, but Noel had always figured that might eventually fall apart. No one was that perfect, but Kaworu wasn't acting, either, Noel believed that, he just also thought this petulant, self-indulgent side was as much a part of him as the all loving, patient half. That was just how people were.

Grains were okay, so ... Rice, maybe some of those whole wheat crackers? And apparently cheese, too. He probably eats a lot of salads, Noel realizes.]

We can, I promise. Although that means avoiding anything frozen. [Somehow he doesn't think that will be a strenuous issue.] When we're done, we can pick out a whole vanilla cake.

[One of the especially nice looking ones with all the swirls and extra decorations, sparkling without being overdone, that's what he thinks of. There's not much room for anything else in his mind, he wants to ask about Hope, about the logic behind telling his friend to confess it instead of said boyfriend just bringing it up, but Kaworu just isn't in the right mood. It can wait, even if it's pulling at Noel's insides.]

We could go to the park, it should be pretty empty at this time of day. [Carrots, Brussels sprouts - he puts the last one back, he's not shopping for himself, here. Difficult as his friend/boyfriend is being at the moment this is actually somewhat nice, obvious displeasure aside. It reminds him of Caius dragging he and Yeul to the store, how they'd wander off along the aisles together. It's sort of gently nostalgic.]

[Kaworu picks up the Brussels sprouts and puts them back in the cart. Although he doesn't say as much, he'll buy whatever Noel wants to have, too. It's the least he can do to repay Noel for being so kind to him. Besides, Brussels sprouts taste good with grapes.]

Let's have a picnic.

[This morning, unlike the mornings before it, Kaworu insists on invading Noel's personal space. He stays tucked against Noel's back or keeps their shoulders touching together. The grocery store isn't too cold for him; he just prefers to feel Noel's warmth. After last night, he feels a bit bereft without it.]

The park is the perfect place for one, I think.

[Having a solid plan also improves his mood. Smiling faintly, he drapes himself on Noel's shoulder and gazes at Noel with stars in his eyes. He's already imagining an idyllic scenario: lying with his head in Noel's lap, soaking up the sunshine, being offered small bites of vanilla cake. It's pleasant.]

We can find shapes in the clouds and feed lettuce to the ducks.

[Hovering this close, though, allows Kaworu to notice the unexpected, unidentifiable tension in Noel's body. He tries not to jump to any conclusions. He tries not to assume. He hasn't done himself any favors between last night and this morning, but he... Noel couldn't be... could he...?

His smile recedes. Petulant or not, he's still himself. He's in love. He asks,]

Noel, is there something wrong?

Edited 2014-10-20 22:16 (UTC)

[He's ready to tell Kaworu not to worry about it, but decides against it. He's being kind and, besides, maybe he likes them too. As they move along the rows of vegetables he tries to share that vision Kaworu is having, the warmth of his body emphasizing what he sees in his own mind. It's startlingly alike to Kaworu's own thoughts and for one free moment it seems as if things are normal and Kaworu is just fine. But that's not entirely the case, not right now. Time and patience have to clean up what love couldn't.

Noel grabs cabbage and wishes more than anything that he couldn't feel the sudden dramatic shift in atmosphere. That moment has passed, have they somehow run into Shinji? Noel hopes not, because Kaworu wouldn't be able to forgive him for kicking the idiot brunette in his often too-morose face.

But it's hardly that. In fact, it's Noel, who did not realize anything was off about his body.]

Hm?

[He does a good job at looking surprised at this question, but Noel doesn't realize that he's twisting the cabbage in his hand the way a basketball player might try to spin a ball.]

Just tired, I might end up falling asleep in the park.

[The image of Hope and Kaworu kisses, the one his subconscious settled on as the most accurate considering his own knowledge of Kaworu, and his assumptions of Hope, came to the forefront. This isn't the time to be dealing with his repressed feelings, the frustration at his boyfriend and the opened wound that resulted in he and Hope's complicated discussion. The shadow of his run around town makes his legs ache sharply.

His jaw clenches, he doesn't think about his dreams (except he sort of does, unfortunately), and tries to smile, but it's too sad.]

I wonder if they have vegetarian [Vegan?] sandwiches, we could take them with us, get some water, it'll be peaceful.

[The grocery store isn't the best place for histrionics. Still, Kaworu stops in the middle of the aisle, allowing his hand to slip off Noel's shoulder. He's forced to shield his eyes with that hand, temporarily overwhelmed by the bright lights and his headache. The things Noel is saying with words don't at all match what Noel's body is saying. To a painful degree, Kaworu wishes he didn't understand nonverbal communication. The sad smile on Noel's face is making him want to scream.]

Hey, Noel...

[Grocery store. Histrionics. These things don't go together.]

You aren't going to break up with me, are you?

[Stellar. Absolutely stellar work, Nagisa. He didn't mean to skip ahead to that question, but the rancid words tumbled right out of his mouth. He rubs at his eyes--they're still dry, thankfully--and then peers at Noel again. He cried too many tears last night to start crying now.]

I'm sorry. [His bottom lip quivers, then firms.] I love you, and I'm sorry. I know this must be difficult for you. [At least his voice has stayed the same volume. He says, edging into desperation,] So if you're upset at me, you don't have to hide it like this. You can just tell me what's wrong. Your honesty means the world to me.

[The only way this could get any worse is if Shinji dropped in.]

[Oh, there's that moment, the split second where Noel realizes that he's made a rather critical error. It begins with the loss of touch and ends at that horrible, soul splitting lip quiver. In trying to save Kaworu from something that might only dig at him further or, worse, cause a disagreement between the two of them, he's ended up at the question he had tried his damnedest to avoid. Noel tries not to be hurt, he tells himself that Kaworu is just scared, he's emotional and not quite himself.

It still hurts a bit, that after last night especially, Kaworu would ever think Noel would leave.]

I'm not going to break up with you, it isn't even important compared to the rest.

[But that had to be somewhat debatable since the topic hadn't left the curve of his brain this whole time.]

Hope told me about your ... About you two. From a while ago. That's all.

[This isn't a discussion to have in a grocery store, in fact it's one of the worst places. There are too many people, Noel can't react or speak the way he wants to, and Kaworu is unfairly vulnerable.] I haven't been avoiding it on purpose. I was going to bring it up and then you were upset and I didn't want to make everything worse. [Like he's doing now.]

[Hope? What? Seriously, what? What does Hope Estheim have to do with this conversation? Kaworu stares at Noel in silence as he repeatedly plays that sentence in his head. Hope told Noel about... and Hope is Noel's... but Kaworu is...? Does this have something to do with jealousy?

He didn't think his headache could get any worse. It's getting worse. More importantly,]

It doesn't matter if I'm upset.

[After a moment, he stuffs his hands into his pockets. Hopefully that will prevent him from clinging to Noel like an obnoxious child. He did enough of that last night, he thinks.]

Just say the word and I'll put everything else on hold for you.

[Now he feels even more self-conscious about how he's behaving. He sighs heavily and looks away, staring down the aisle they're standing in. As much as he wants that frosted vanilla cake, maybe they should skip over it. Maybe they should skip all of it. Getting out of the grocery store as soon as possible seems like a better game plan.]

Let's go to the park right now, [he says, briefly mourning the cake. The milk and leftover soup at home will have to suffice.] Whatever this is, we can talk about it, all right?

It does matter, and whether you have food matters, too.

[It's more than just jealousy, in fact an argument could be made that it doesn't have nearly as much to do with that at all. It has to do with the near constant image of Kaworu and Hope, how it makes him sad and mournful at once, and it sure as hell has a lot to do with the two most important people in his life conveniently choosing to keep their mouths shut.]

We can at least checkout.

[Noel needs that normality, he needs to at least get one part of this right even if everything else is screwed up, that's all.]

It won't take long, I promise. [And it doesn't, really. Kaworu has hidden his hands so when Noel tries to establish some contact all he can manage without being invasive is to awkwardly hold his boyfriend's wrist. It feels an awful lot like pulling him but Noel just wants to get through it. There isn't too much so self check-out is efficient and even calming.]

[Stubbornly, Kaworu repeats,] It doesn't matter.

[On the way to the self-checkout stand, he does snatch up a bag of powdered donuts. He refuses to talk about Hope Estheim without some sugar in his system. It'll keep him from getting... well, irritated. Frankly, what happened before he met Noel is none of Noel's business. If Noel wants an itemized list of everyone Kaworu has ever kissed, that would take a few days to write up.

Kaworu sighs inwardly. He tells himself to stop being so defensive; it's not conducive to communication. Trying to empathize with Noel is more important.]

--I'll take care of it.

[He slips away from Noel while they're checking out and fishes out his wallet. When he opens it up, a few bars of "Ode to Joy" play for him, tinny and off-key. As much as he loves this musical wallet, the tune just scrapes at his nerves today. He pays for the groceries with a plain debit card.

Outside, the fresh air has never smelled so sweet. He's thankful to be free.]

[For the first time Noel wants to roll his eyes and be a bit of a smartass himself, but it's not worth that. It's a snag, an irritation just the same as dealing with a phantom itch, no need to turn it into a flesh wound. The donuts are shamefully appealing and despite the tension in his neck and shoulders Noel can't help applauding the choice in food. It's not vanilla cake but it's a decent substitute.

No amount of respect garnered by junk food is going to change how unpleasant Noel feels, though. There's a layer of something stuck between them that wasn't there before and it's Noel's fault, and also not, and he wasn't thinking about how to talk about any of this, he's so ridiculously unprepared. But ... Bagging, Noel can focus on bagging and get that much right. He settles both plastic handles in one hands, but the donuts get to stay out. They're important.

He doesn't say anything until they've actually made it to the park, who knows if it's a good or bad thing that they make it there relatively quickly. He still doesn't know what to say but by now Noel is brave enough to just go with his heart.]

I'm not mad because you've been with other people. I want you to know that much. [It's really too nice out to be having a talking like this but it's true. If it was anyone else then Noel wouldn't care, but his absolute best friend, the only rock that Noel has known aside from Yeul? Yes, that is Noel's business in nearly the same way that Shinji is Kaworu's business.]

Did Hope ever say anything about me? Besides us being friends.

[In a sense he doesn't want the answer to this question, he doesn't want to know if Hope told Kaworu everything or not, about Noel's puppy-eyed confession, about how he went right back to smiling after it obviously wasn't going to happen.]

[Kaworu's chewing through his third donut by the time he finds a good place to sit down. The sun is shining, but a nearby tree provides enough shade. The grass under his hands feels damp and cool. In front of him, the duck pond is a dreamy green-blue and surrounded by vibrant foliage. Each time the wind blows by, the surface of the pond ripples infinitely. He wishes he had the paper to make little boats and send them floating along.

After the fourth donut, he's ready to answer Noel's questions.]

Hope said many things about you, actually.

[He licks powdered sugar off of his thumb. He doesn't tell lies.]

That's how I became interested in you in the first place.

[Even though Noel said they wouldn't break up... they can still drift apart in much the same way. It wouldn't be the first time Kaworu has inadvertently bridged the divide between two people. Playing matchmaker is supposed to be fun and fulfilling. Instead, he's startled by how badly he wants to keep Noel close to him. He only felt this possessive of Shinji before now.

Last night changed the landscape of his heart, like tectonic plates shifting.]

Why are you mad at me?

Edited 2014-10-28 22:37 (UTC)

[That they found the perfect tree in front of the perfect pond is some kind of irony. They should be here under easier circumstances, happier ones, but it is what it is. At least the ducks are cute. By the fourth donut Noel has managed to drop himself to the ground, leaning back. He isn't sitting too far or too close, there's nothing about his posture that's off even as he listens.

Hope talked about him.

Kaworu became interested in Noel because of Hope.

This feels so fucked up.]

I'm not mad. [He could understand why it seems that way but, really and truly, Noel isn't mad. He's confused and hurt, guilty and lost. Not ... Mad. They've never had to deal with any sort of conflict, things have always been relatively calm between himself and his boyfriend until last night and maybe that is why it feels like so much at once as if parts of his world are rotting from the inside out. He takes a deep breathe. Forget the total lack of communication now there's something else Noel has to settle.]

Is it that you never noticed me until Hope said anything, or that we might not have ever ended up in the closet if not for Hope?

[This is incredibly thin territory because, as mentioned, Kaworu is very loving. Even Noel hesitates to believe that Kaworu would put such thought into it. At the very least he might have simply thought oh, that's Noel Kreiss, been understanding, and then it just happened. There's nothing malicious or cruel in that. If his curiosity stemmed solely from Hope, then that ... It feels different.]

I guess it's the latter.

[But there is nothing insidious about how Kaworu wound up meeting Noel. With a growing heaviness, he explains,]

I thought you were heterosexual, you know.

[Given Noel's recent, rather public spree of girlfriends, who would have thought differently? Kaworu doesn't care about rumors, only what he can verify for himself.]

Hope indicated otherwise, which is why...

[The wind shifts his hair in and out of his misty eyes. He feels like he's ruining everything again, and this time he doesn't know why.]

It's never my intention to make someone feel uncomfortable. I don't touch anyone who hasn't approached me first, in most cases. Whenever I do take the initiative, it's with the knowledge that I won't be received negatively. [Pause.] I learned the importance of that after having my arm broken.

[As careless as he can seem, Kaworu isn't oblivious to reality. He has no desire to get his shit kicked in--again--by angry alpha males whose heteronormative world views have been threatened. Like it or not, even the nicest people can turn into complete monsters. Admiring Noel from afar had been a safer bet.]

Do you understand?

Edited 2014-10-29 00:27 (UTC)

[Noel will deal with the fact that Kaworu has suffered bodily harm from close-minded idiots later on. He will deal with it in the form of seriously damaging a spine or two and he will need to be picked up from jail. Noel is okay with this, he's already accepted it. Caius, Yeul, Kaworu, and possibly Hope, will not be so understanding. He'll deal with that, too.

Right now ... Right now the timing of events needs to be fully laid out. Because this is just so ...]

So my heart gets broken which leads to serial dating in order to hide how terrible I felt. Meanwhile Hope decides to tests his limits with you to see if he could 'meet my needs', which leads to him talking which gives you the positive go ahead that I wasn't straight therefore making the closet event a reality. Though that was a party so I'm not assuming you set that up.

[Actually ending up together at that party seems to be the one genuinely random occurrence. The rest feels as if it was orchestrated by the universe.]

The rest is pretty obvious.

[He looks at Kaworu, appearing more flummoxed by this whole thing than upset.] Am I missing any pieces?

[This is a good time to take a page from Hope Estheim: Full disclosure. Including the whole 'admiring' thing if it went on for more than a week.]

[That's disturbing.]

I didn't set up any of it, Noel.

[The only questionable part about this whole thing: Kaworu's decision to pursue Noel, period. Maybe he shouldn't have stepped in between Hope and his best friend. Maybe he should have found a different athlete to moon over. However, his heart wanted Noel and he has a tendency to follow his heart.]

I knew you'd be at that party, though. I went to many of the same parties you did. [After another pause, he adds,] I've attended all of your soccer matches, too, if that matters.

[In retrospect, Noel might notice a pale, weird, mostly serene kid in the peripheral vision of his memories. Someone who had been around for a while. For the entire school year, at least.

Kaworu Nagisa, the orphan.

Kaworu Nagisa, the pianist.

Kaworu Nagisa, the incarnation of lust.

When Kaworu falls in love, it's not a fickle and fleeting thing. He never really gets over it, even if he moves on. Besides, Noel was special to him from the very beginning; the unattainable element was comforting, not discouraging. Kaworu felt safe existing just outside of Noel's orbit. He knew his limits right away and wouldn't mistakenly violate them.

The day he discovered he could actually touch Noel, he almost didn't believe it.]

What else do you want to know?

Edited 2014-10-29 01:33 (UTC)

[Okay, so Hope can pick him up from jail. That's fine.

More than anything he wants to know how he's supposed to be feeling about this. Is it okay that it's all surprising and odd? Is it okay that Noel kind of wants one of those donuts and to stare up at the sky for a little bit? His life was never particularly complicated before this, but the high school years are meant to be a sort of unbearable hell in order to strengthen them for the even worse version of hell that is the Real World. Noel supposes that he only got off lucky by having it easy as a Freshmen, up until the whole Hope thing really came to a head.]

This whole time...

[Every game he played, most of the parties, always in the same halls, their shared world was a minuscule one and, still, for good reason they hadn't ever crossed paths. Kaworu had every right to be concerned for his safety and while Noel had figured out that he wasn't entirely straight early on, he understands why it would not have been clear to anyone who didn't sit down and talk to him for an extended period of time.

He reaches back to tug at his own hair, sighing. The tension melts from his bones and he leans into the tree trunk, he's tired and relieved at once.]

Why didn't you tell me any of this when we became a little more serious?

[That was the only question Noel had really wanted to ask in the beginning. Everything else just sort of tumbled so violently that maybe his mild disorientation makes sense. The longer he talks out his own feelings the more relaxed Noel becomes until he really does look tired as he'd said earlier.] I'm not upset about anything you've done before, it's not my right to be. But Hope's my best friend, I would probably tear down a skyscraper for that Science-addicted weirdo [Noel's Science-addicted weirdo. Friend.], so hearing about that out of nowhere while I just finished telling him that I had apparently become a slave to your dick was surprising.

[He didn't want to police anyone or be difficult, he just didn't want to be left out in the dark especially when it concerned two of the most important people in his life.]

A slave to my dick...?

[Crude. Also, kind of charming. Also, very disturbing. For the most part, Noel has defined the boundaries of their relationship. If Noel doesn't want to have sex, then he doesn't have to. As for what happened last night... well, it wasn't an unforgivable mistake, but it did do a number on their sense of normalcy. Kaworu is so sorry.

Worst of all, this latest trainwreck has plowed through what should be pure happiness: Kaworu asking Noel to marry him. They were going to have silver rings with engravings. They were going to exchange last names and live together someday. Kaworu sadly wonders if they'll be able to recover anytime soon. Regardless of what Noel says, this feels like a total disaster.]

I wasn't going to confess Hope's feelings for him.

[If he could redo all of this (he can't redo), he'd probably try approaching Noel as a friend instead of a lover. He regrets his caution and inaction now. At the time, he thought Noel was content with his circle of friends and family. He didn't want to cause trouble for himself, too.]

His lack of courage had nothing to do with me. Please understand that.

[The truth can be harsh.]

I spent too long in my own head and I just wasn't very intelligent right then.

[He has the sense to look a little guilty. Hope really does get the absolute worst of Noel's random thoughts for no particular reason other than it's a part of their friendship, and he can't stay buried underneath his self given work all the time.]

Hope doesn't have feelings for me, we're best friends.

[And that's just how it is. He's hardheaded and difficult about issues, it bothers him that Hope didn't give him any sense of agency, that he just chose to deal with everything by himself. Noel understands why he did such a thing, Hope builds walls of logic and reasoning to protect not just himself but, sometimes, what he can accidentally do to other people. That's how Noel has seen it. So while he's upset about it he won't be cruel or hold onto it, but just forgetting about the entire thing isn't possible either. It's one of those matters that one simply has to live with.

As such Noel doesn't know what Kaworu means by 'lack of courage'. Maybe it's referencing that Hope went to Kaworu instead of Noel, but that didn't seem to have much to do with courage. In fact considering Hope's state of being it must have taken a good amount of umph to not only breach that topic but also explore it. Noel wonders if he felt inadequate and resolves to ask his friend later, and give him a hug if the answer is 'yes'.]

I'm sorry, it was just confusing and a mess, everything was made worse by horrible timing. Can you forgive me?

[For being a slightly inflammatory, overly emotional excuse of a train wreck?]

[Kaworu nudges the bag of powdered donuts closer to Noel. He feels too sick to keep eating, honestly. It's also his own sort of peace offering. Animal meat aside, their tastes aren't all that different. He knows Noel would like to have a few donuts. Sharing is caring and so on and so forth.

With a sigh, he turns away to stare at the rippling duck pond. The tranquil surroundings haven't helped to soothe his heart--it feels like something is squeezing it, harder and harder. He feels trapped in between two realms of lesser and greater significance: his happiness, and Noel's happiness. As much as he'd like them to be one and the same...]

You said it yourself: Hope wanted to meet your needs.

[His voice is thin.]

What is love if not the desire to meet someone's needs?

[Noel's happiness wins out, of course. Kaworu can't be selfish.]

You didn't wrong me, Noel. [He reaches up to his face, determined to hide his frown before it forms. He says, unsteady,] You haven't done anything wrong. You spoke from your heart.

Edited 2014-10-29 04:49 (UTC)

Love is not making every single decision without discussing things fairly, and considering everyone's feelings.

[And Hope had only meant to protect him, hadn't wanted to feel like he was unable to take care of Noel in the way relationships demanded. He got that. But it was still cruel around the edges. What was the use in protecting someone if you ended up closing them off in the end? Noel would have liked the opportunity to navigate the possibilities with Hope, to learn to be patient and understanding, understand what he was going through. While those traits existed in their friendship to one extent or another - not that he's positive, he still feels so far away from the very best friend that he's so viciously protective of - the romantic tilt would have brought something different.]

And the operative word there is 'wanted'.

[He's expecting Kaworu to be upset with him for butting into this issue, ripping it open after the emotional chaos that was last night. That doesn't seem to be the case, which is beyond concerning. He ignores the donuts and reaches up to try and peel Kaworu's hand from his face. If he manages it then he holds Kaworu's one in both of his because that hand is precious. In fact, all of Kaworu is precious.]

You're upset and I was supposed to be making your life easier, I've fucked something up here.

[He squeezes gently, leans in to kiss his temple.] Talk to me, please.

[Because Noel hasn't gone near the topic of leaving Kaworu, he has very little idea how to interpret these responses without making wild and frankly very random assumptions. It was better to plead for honesty since Kaworu couldn't lie to begin with. They would keep stumbling through this until it got better. It just might take a while longer than he thought.]

[A quiet concession:]

You do have a point.

[All in all, Noel is making it impossible for Kaworu to be self-sacrificial. Removing himself from a conflict is Kaworu's number one way of resolving a conflict. He didn't expect to run into this level of interference. It's strange. In comparison to his relationship with Shinji, it's very strange. Shinji's brand of love is selfish and self-serving. Humanity behaves selfishly in general, sometimes to the extreme.

So, when push comes to shove, Kaworu expects Noel to exhibit the same selfishness. He's proven wrong every time.]

You're a very good person, Noel Kreiss.

[He looks down at their joined hands. Holding hands is one of his favorite things to do. Even so...]

I don't understand why so many people aren't like you.

[Carefully, giving Noel time to adjust, he climbs in between Noel's legs as if he belongs there. He slouches somewhat and then curls in, resting his head on Noel's shoulder. He lays one hand on Noel's chest in search of his heartbeat, too. If they aren't breaking up, then Noel should be willing to indulge him like this. He wants more attention. He wants all the attention in the world.

As evidenced by his behavior, he's not done being petulant. He's tired and sore and stressed out, and Noel forced him to go shopping.

He says, in a smaller voice,] The grocery store reminds me of the hospital. It's upsetting.

Edited 2014-10-30 09:48 (UTC)

If everyone was like me I probably wouldn't be special.

[He says this while Kaworu arranges himself whatever way he likes. Noel is patient about it, and when his lithe boyfriend is settled he can be held a little closer, one palm runs up and down the length of his back in a soothing motion. Noel leans back into the tree again, lets the bark dig into his skin through his shirt, it's not as uncomfortable as he thought it would be. They aren't breaking up and he knows Kaworu needs attention, would have needed it either way, really.]

[That's his only response for a moment or two and it's probably not as immediately emotional or apologetic as Kaworu might like, but, well, what can Noel do? It's terrible that he's reminded of something like that, and Noel doesn't like to be the reason terrible memories cropped up but Kaworu needs to take better care of himself. That includes going shopping.

He may not be selfish in the same way of Shinji Ikari but that only makes room for him to be displeasing in other ways.]

There's an organic market on the other end of town, everyone's nice there.

[But it is farther away, hence why they didn't go there this time.] The lights are dimmer, too.

[It's a very ... Hippie-ish place, Noel likes it, everything is a little disorganized at times and they sell more than just groceries, and sometimes there are freelance artists outside. Kaworu might be more comfortable with a place like that, but he's not getting out of the shopping overall. Not without getting some genuine flack from his boyfriend, anyway. Noel won't always be around to help or do it for him, and he would feel better if Kaworu could slowly work over the issue.]

There's enough for a few days, so I feel better about these prospects.

You would be special no matter what. You're you.

[It isn't an empty platitude. As an individual, Noel is so meaningful. No one else has ever challenged Kaworu to simply take better care of himself. If it weren't for today's semi-successful haul, he'd still be slurping on crusty soup. Hopefully, with enough practice, relying on restaurants to feed him will become a thing of the past. All he needs is a push in the right direction.]

I love you.

[His fingers curl into Noel's shirt, as if to anchor him. He feels set adrift. Losing Shinji as a boyfriend most likely means losing Shinji as a best friend. If they're going to reconcile, it's going to take a great deal of effort--from both sides, not just Kaworu's. He doesn't know if that is possible.

Noel is helping to lull him by rubbing his back, at least. It feels nice. It's what a concerned parent will do for their children, right? After a bad day? After a bad dream? He's seen it happen on TV and in movies. Friends and lovers can do it for each other, too. He's glad that Noel is his friend as well as his boyfriend. Right now, more than anything else, he could use a good friend.]

Next time, I want to go to the organic market. Please take me there.

[The ducks are quacking and splashing somewhere in the background. If he feels like moving again, he'll see about feeding them; that was part of the happy outing he imagined originally. For now, there's something he wants to ask before it's too late.]

Hey, are you going to hurt Shinji?

Edited 2014-11-01 08:40 (UTC)

Well, thank you.

[It could be argued that if Noel was able to see the same uniqueness in himself that Kaworu finds so simply he might become an arrogant and generally insufferable asshole. It's probably for the best that Noel believes himself to be relatively normal, he's just glad that Kaworu is choosing to listen to him instead of stay off in his own corner, remaining content with some of his less positive habits.]

I love you, too.

[He's a bit dedicated to constantly saying it in response, it feels like bad luck to never say it in return. His eyes close and he continues to deliver as much affection as possible. He's not really thinking about if this is a friend action or a boyfriend action, doesn't being with someone also mean you are their best friend? He doesn't really want to deal with someone who tries to insist those terms need to be separate.

Right now, Kaworu agreeing to the organic market feels like a victory within itself and Noel rewards them both for it by leaning forward to give him a little kiss. They'll go there sometime later in the week and since he knows a bakery along the way they can pick up a cake on the way home, too.

But that question ....]

Why would I hurt him? [Well, that question needs to be reworded a bit.] Instead, why would you think I'm more likely to go and hurt him now when I haven't before?

[Kaworu is only thinking about labels because he's thinking about Shinji. Between the two of them, Shinji was the one who wanted to define what they were. It didn't matter to Kaworu if they were friends, boyfriends, or fictional mecha pilots. They were Shinji and Kaworu. Sometimes, they were Kaworu and Shinji. One way or another, he thought, their names in conjunction made perfect sense.

Very little is making sense to him after they've broken up. Fortunately, he still has Noel to keep him from losing the way forward. The rest of the world is a dark thicket; Noel feels like a compass.]

Because you were angry last night.

[No amount of self-interest will allow him to overlook it. If Kaworu's body is sore right now, it's because they spent hours burning up their uglier feelings. They fucked and they fucked until they were too tired to doubt each other. There's a twinging pain in his thighs when he shifts closer.]

I've never seen you that angry. [Like he's confessing a sin, he says,] I'm angry at him, too.

[Anger reminds him of being younger and more helpless. He'd prefer to be tranquil.]

The best form of revenge is living well. Let's live well together.

[As much as Noel almost hates the response it's a fair one. He's been annoyed by Shinji, irritated at Shinji, lost all will to be particularly fond of even the name 'Shinji' but Noel was never as angry at him as he was the other night. It's a fair observation and even if it stings he can't help thinking its good that Kaworu brought it up.]

I was. Still am, to a point.

[He can't ever really stop, not anytime soon. Eventually the feelings will dissolve, eventually Noel Kreiss will not ever think of Shinji Ikari until it becomes necessary. But that'll be at least another month. Noel is calm but he doesn't forgive easily and his instincts never forget.]

No matter how upset I am I won't go out of my way to hurt him, Kaworu. That would do more damage to you than it ever could to him, and I won't be selfish like him, either.

[Refusing to understand other people's feelings, refusing to come out of his own emotions to be logical and mature - Noel can't stand people like that, he just can't. But he hasn't lost his own tranquility just because of a little flare up. Shinji isn't even worth that much, as far as he's concerned.

He holds him a little tighter for a few seconds, lets out a calming sigh.] Of course we'll live well together. I won't let anything get in the way.

[That was always the plan until Kaworu wanted to change it.]

To listen is an effort, and just to hear is no merit. A duck hears also. —Igor Stravinsky

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