To listen is an effort, and just to hear is no merit. A duck hears also. —Igor Stravinsky

[labyrinthos]

Note: Continued from here with brokenparadox. Discussion of ducks, foods, and first loves. (Modern AU where Kaworu is human.)

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[labyrinthos]

[Kaworu nudges the bag of powdered donuts closer to Noel. He feels too sick to keep eating, honestly. It's also his own sort of peace offering. Animal meat aside, their tastes aren't all that different. He knows Noel would like to have a few donuts. Sharing is caring and so on and so forth.

With a sigh, he turns away to stare at the rippling duck pond. The tranquil surroundings haven't helped to soothe his heart--it feels like something is squeezing it, harder and harder. He feels trapped in between two realms of lesser and greater significance: his happiness, and Noel's happiness. As much as he'd like them to be one and the same...]

You said it yourself: Hope wanted to meet your needs.

[His voice is thin.]

What is love if not the desire to meet someone's needs?

[Noel's happiness wins out, of course. Kaworu can't be selfish.]

You didn't wrong me, Noel. [He reaches up to his face, determined to hide his frown before it forms. He says, unsteady,] You haven't done anything wrong. You spoke from your heart.

[brokenparadox]

Love is not making every single decision without discussing things fairly, and considering everyone's feelings.

[And Hope had only meant to protect him, hadn't wanted to feel like he was unable to take care of Noel in the way relationships demanded. He got that. But it was still cruel around the edges. What was the use in protecting someone if you ended up closing them off in the end? Noel would have liked the opportunity to navigate the possibilities with Hope, to learn to be patient and understanding, understand what he was going through. While those traits existed in their friendship to one extent or another - not that he's positive, he still feels so far away from the very best friend that he's so viciously protective of - the romantic tilt would have brought something different.]

And the operative word there is 'wanted'.

[He's expecting Kaworu to be upset with him for butting into this issue, ripping it open after the emotional chaos that was last night. That doesn't seem to be the case, which is beyond concerning. He ignores the donuts and reaches up to try and peel Kaworu's hand from his face. If he manages it then he holds Kaworu's one in both of his because that hand is precious. In fact, all of Kaworu is precious.]

You're upset and I was supposed to be making your life easier, I've fucked something up here.

[He squeezes gently, leans in to kiss his temple.] Talk to me, please.

[Because Noel hasn't gone near the topic of leaving Kaworu, he has very little idea how to interpret these responses without making wild and frankly very random assumptions. It was better to plead for honesty since Kaworu couldn't lie to begin with. They would keep stumbling through this until it got better. It just might take a while longer than he thought.]

[labyrinthos]

[A quiet concession:]

You do have a point.

[All in all, Noel is making it impossible for Kaworu to be self-sacrificial. Removing himself from a conflict is Kaworu's number one way of resolving a conflict. He didn't expect to run into this level of interference. It's strange. In comparison to his relationship with Shinji, it's very strange. Shinji's brand of love is selfish and self-serving. Humanity behaves selfishly in general, sometimes to the extreme.

So, when push comes to shove, Kaworu expects Noel to exhibit the same selfishness. He's proven wrong every time.]

You're a very good person, Noel Kreiss.

[He looks down at their joined hands. Holding hands is one of his favorite things to do. Even so...]

I don't understand why so many people aren't like you.

[Carefully, giving Noel time to adjust, he climbs in between Noel's legs as if he belongs there. He slouches somewhat and then curls in, resting his head on Noel's shoulder. He lays one hand on Noel's chest in search of his heartbeat, too. If they aren't breaking up, then Noel should be willing to indulge him like this. He wants more attention. He wants all the attention in the world.

As evidenced by his behavior, he's not done being petulant. He's tired and sore and stressed out, and Noel forced him to go shopping.

He says, in a smaller voice,] The grocery store reminds me of the hospital. It's upsetting.

[brokenparadox]

If everyone was like me I probably wouldn't be special.

[He says this while Kaworu arranges himself whatever way he likes. Noel is patient about it, and when his lithe boyfriend is settled he can be held a little closer, one palm runs up and down the length of his back in a soothing motion. Noel leans back into the tree again, lets the bark dig into his skin through his shirt, it's not as uncomfortable as he thought it would be. They aren't breaking up and he knows Kaworu needs attention, would have needed it either way, really.]

[That's his only response for a moment or two and it's probably not as immediately emotional or apologetic as Kaworu might like, but, well, what can Noel do? It's terrible that he's reminded of something like that, and Noel doesn't like to be the reason terrible memories cropped up but Kaworu needs to take better care of himself. That includes going shopping.

He may not be selfish in the same way of Shinji Ikari but that only makes room for him to be displeasing in other ways.]

There's an organic market on the other end of town, everyone's nice there.

[But it is farther away, hence why they didn't go there this time.] The lights are dimmer, too.

[It's a very ... Hippie-ish place, Noel likes it, everything is a little disorganized at times and they sell more than just groceries, and sometimes there are freelance artists outside. Kaworu might be more comfortable with a place like that, but he's not getting out of the shopping overall. Not without getting some genuine flack from his boyfriend, anyway. Noel won't always be around to help or do it for him, and he would feel better if Kaworu could slowly work over the issue.]

There's enough for a few days, so I feel better about these prospects.

[labyrinthos]

You would be special no matter what. You're you.

[It isn't an empty platitude. As an individual, Noel is so meaningful. No one else has ever challenged Kaworu to simply take better care of himself. If it weren't for today's semi-successful haul, he'd still be slurping on crusty soup. Hopefully, with enough practice, relying on restaurants to feed him will become a thing of the past. All he needs is a push in the right direction.]

I love you.

[His fingers curl into Noel's shirt, as if to anchor him. He feels set adrift. Losing Shinji as a boyfriend most likely means losing Shinji as a best friend. If they're going to reconcile, it's going to take a great deal of effort--from both sides, not just Kaworu's. He doesn't know if that is possible.

Noel is helping to lull him by rubbing his back, at least. It feels nice. It's what a concerned parent will do for their children, right? After a bad day? After a bad dream? He's seen it happen on TV and in movies. Friends and lovers can do it for each other, too. He's glad that Noel is his friend as well as his boyfriend. Right now, more than anything else, he could use a good friend.]

Next time, I want to go to the organic market. Please take me there.

[The ducks are quacking and splashing somewhere in the background. If he feels like moving again, he'll see about feeding them; that was part of the happy outing he imagined originally. For now, there's something he wants to ask before it's too late.]

Hey, are you going to hurt Shinji?

[brokenparadox]

Well, thank you.

[It could be argued that if Noel was able to see the same uniqueness in himself that Kaworu finds so simply he might become an arrogant and generally insufferable asshole. It's probably for the best that Noel believes himself to be relatively normal, he's just glad that Kaworu is choosing to listen to him instead of stay off in his own corner, remaining content with some of his less positive habits.]

I love you, too.

[He's a bit dedicated to constantly saying it in response, it feels like bad luck to never say it in return. His eyes close and he continues to deliver as much affection as possible. He's not really thinking about if this is a friend action or a boyfriend action, doesn't being with someone also mean you are their best friend? He doesn't really want to deal with someone who tries to insist those terms need to be separate.

Right now, Kaworu agreeing to the organic market feels like a victory within itself and Noel rewards them both for it by leaning forward to give him a little kiss. They'll go there sometime later in the week and since he knows a bakery along the way they can pick up a cake on the way home, too.

But that question ....]

Why would I hurt him? [Well, that question needs to be reworded a bit.] Instead, why would you think I'm more likely to go and hurt him now when I haven't before?

[labyrinthos]

[Kaworu is only thinking about labels because he's thinking about Shinji. Between the two of them, Shinji was the one who wanted to define what they were. It didn't matter to Kaworu if they were friends, boyfriends, or fictional mecha pilots. They were Shinji and Kaworu. Sometimes, they were Kaworu and Shinji. One way or another, he thought, their names in conjunction made perfect sense.

Very little is making sense to him after they've broken up. Fortunately, he still has Noel to keep him from losing the way forward. The rest of the world is a dark thicket; Noel feels like a compass.]

Because you were angry last night.

[No amount of self-interest will allow him to overlook it. If Kaworu's body is sore right now, it's because they spent hours burning up their uglier feelings. They fucked and they fucked until they were too tired to doubt each other. There's a twinging pain in his thighs when he shifts closer.]

I've never seen you that angry. [Like he's confessing a sin, he says,] I'm angry at him, too.

[Anger reminds him of being younger and more helpless. He'd prefer to be tranquil.]

The best form of revenge is living well. Let's live well together.

[brokenparadox]

[As much as Noel almost hates the response it's a fair one. He's been annoyed by Shinji, irritated at Shinji, lost all will to be particularly fond of even the name 'Shinji' but Noel was never as angry at him as he was the other night. It's a fair observation and even if it stings he can't help thinking its good that Kaworu brought it up.]

I was. Still am, to a point.

[He can't ever really stop, not anytime soon. Eventually the feelings will dissolve, eventually Noel Kreiss will not ever think of Shinji Ikari until it becomes necessary. But that'll be at least another month. Noel is calm but he doesn't forgive easily and his instincts never forget.]

No matter how upset I am I won't go out of my way to hurt him, Kaworu. That would do more damage to you than it ever could to him, and I won't be selfish like him, either.

[Refusing to understand other people's feelings, refusing to come out of his own emotions to be logical and mature - Noel can't stand people like that, he just can't. But he hasn't lost his own tranquility just because of a little flare up. Shinji isn't even worth that much, as far as he's concerned.

He holds him a little tighter for a few seconds, lets out a calming sigh.] Of course we'll live well together. I won't let anything get in the way.

[That was always the plan until Kaworu wanted to change it.]