[The rind had felt somewhat like a shield, even if ineffective. When Kaworu takes it away, Shinji inhales deeply and slowly, staring down when he feels Kaworu’s palms over his knuckles. So the stickiness of their hands is the same... Shinji’s mouth feels sticky, too, and the edge of his chin. Then, maybe also... He lifts his gaze from their joined hands to Kaworu’s lips, before reddening further and casting his eyes low again.]
Okay, [he says finally, feeling simultaneously defeated and exhilarated by Kaworu’s welcoming words and enticing tone (and body). It’s hard for Shinji to resist a plea, and any amount of sweetness is even more convincing. Kaworu is kind to him. And, he tries to tell himself, Kaworu will not let him drown. Not to mention, seeing Kaworu moving with such grace when he's so bare makes Shinji willing to listen to anything he has to say. It's hard not to gape, and that's why he tries to stare at one of his own knees, avoiding the greater expanses of Kaworu's skin that would otherwise be in view. He can deal with the edge of a wrist, the start of one pale forearm. Maybe.] Sure. But I won’t be any good at it. Sorry.
[Better to get the apology out of the way now, so that Kaworu understands what he’s signing up for. Shinji can already picture himself floundering, straining and flailing his limbs, generally making a fool of himself. Even thinking about it fills a pool of shame in his stomach, shallow now but growing deeper by the second, as he imagines how much of an idiot he’ll look. Again he tells himself that Kaworu won’t let him drown, but he figures by the time they’re finished, he’ll wish he’d drowned anyway. When you’re someone like Kaworu — cool and capable, and even handsome too — looking at someone like Shinji must be laughable.
Shinji looks to the left. His hands, he realizes, have relaxed underneath Kaworu’s, despite the anxious churn of his stomach. But his palms will probably start to sweat, soon, and that’s almost as embarrassing as envisioning his predestined failure at swimming. It’s best to just... Well, but he doesn’t really want to work his hands out from underneath Kaworu’s. His toes curl and uncurl, restless in the sand.] I’ll undress now, then. [Oh, man. It was super awkward to just announce it like that, wasn’t it? Shinji wants to bury his face in his hands. After a few second of internal panic, he dares to sneak another look at Kaworu’s face.]
[This never-ending cycle of looking, refusing to look, and trying to look secretively is starting to do strange things to Kaworu's viscera. It's an endearing shyness, of course it is, and he'll never turn down having Shinji's eyes lapping at him, no matter how hesitant the waves may be. At the same time, though, it's kind of... frustrating... right now. He can remember a time when Shinji wouldn't back down from an impromptu staring contest. He can remember a time when Shinji wouldn't back down from anything to do with a weird, creepy transfer student. In any case, in any case, it doesn't matter what was or wasn't because right now Shinji has finally agreed to go swimming. Maybe it was a foregone conclusion, with how much cajoling Kaworu was having to do, but it still resembles a pulse-quickening victory.
To be honest, Kaworu feels so comfortable that he doesn't want to remove his hands. He's aware of how he can touch Shinji whenever he wants (right now), and that does nothing to diminish the specialness of it each time. Lest it be forgotten, there was a time when...]
I'm only asking you to try and learn, [he says earnestly.] But you have more potential than you know, Shinji-kun, even if... [Ah, he finds the impetus to move one of his hands: he's reaching up to Shinji's anything-but-plain face. The tips of his fingers must feel adhesive (the water will wash it away soon enough) (soon enough) when he brushes them over Shinji's soft cheek. Shinji is so red all over compared to a minute ago. It's interesting, how Lilin blood can rush around in response to stimuli.
Realizing he has lost his line of thought--something about Shinji's fragile heart, no doubt--he wonders if he should simply summarize by kissing Shinji. It wouldn't be a bad time for such affection; obviously, Shinji would welcome it if he didn't splutter about it first. Kaworu's smile spreads, then spreads more, warm and sweet like melting ice cream. He leans in and angles his head in just the right way. They're very close now. They're even closer when Kaworu asks himself if this is what Shinji really wants, because there was a time when Shinji really didn't want it. Of course he wants to. But only because you've forced him to accept you. What? Surely you've noticed. What are you trying to say? Or maybe you haven't. I don't understand. Or maybe you have and you don't want to accept it. That can't be-- Do you believe willful ignorance absolves you of your sins? Because it doesn't, you think, and there's a pulse behind Kaworu's eyes, hot and painful, making him feel unusually light-headed. He closes his eyes out of reflex, and he doesn't kiss Shinji after all.
When he opens his eyes, it seems the sunlight is so much brighter than before. It hurts.]
Yeah. Get undressed.
[His sticky fingers drop down to the buttons on Shinji's shirt, which he plucks at fleetingly and teasingly.]
[It should be a little gross to have sticky fingers at his face. It should be kind of uncomfortable. But Shinji is only aware of the closeness between himself and Kaworu, the cool of his skin compared to the heat of the sluggish afternoon... He can hear the lake, and his own blood rushing in his ears. His pulse scares him a little bit. Kaworu scares him a little bit, too, but it’s such a warm feeling; it’s exciting for his heart, his face, and every one of his nerves. Is this what it feels like to be touched? Is this what he’s been missing out on all along? Shinji’s been avoiding unnecessary touches for a while now, but Kaworu’s hands feel like they could be a necessity after all. Maybe this is why adults touch each other... Maybe this is why they — kiss. Shinji really thinks he is going to be kissed. Oh no, oh no, his mind is saying, oh no, but he doesn’t jerk away or pull back at all. He’s holding his breath (Asuka didn’t like the way he tickled her). He’s closing his eyes (it feels a little scary to watch someone draw in that closely). He’s waiting (and waiting, and waiting)...
And nothing happens.
He opens his eyes up wide to scan Kaworu’s face with a pressured desperation. Did he read it wrong? Now he really does want to drown. He’d been sitting there with his eyes closed, looking like he wanted a kiss, and that wasn’t what Kaworu was going for at all... He really wants to drown. Every time Shinji thinks he can’t feel more embarrassed, he proves himself wrong.
He’s still trying to hold his breath when he says,] Um. I— [He doesn’t register Kaworu’s words until his buttons are toyed with, and Shinji’s eyes go bright and wide and nervous. His hands flutter nervously against Kaworu’s like a moth beating its wings against a bulb.] I can do it! [Inside of him, it feels like all his blood is turning into air bubbles, and like his guts are sand. He takes a deep breath, holds it for a moment, and then lets it out. He does not disintegrate.] Kaworu-kun... I can do it... [His fingers nudge underneath Kaworu’s, pressing against his own buttons, and he manages to fumble until the first and then the second are undone, as if to prove himself.] See? So...
[For disappointing Shinji like this, Kaworu surely deserves to have a Prog knife shoved into his core. But, as far as he can introspect, this current course of action is the best. If he allowed them to kiss, they could spend the entire evening just kissing each other. They'd really never make it as far as the water; he'd have his hands and his mouth full with introducing Shinji to intimacy. He can't deny how disappointing and how unfair he's being by pulling away, though. It feels like a fatal mistake, even when it shouldn't be; no one ever died from not receiving a kiss. Humming softly, he decides to compromise by kissing Shinji on the cheek. It's not quite chaste, either, but it won't drive him to distraction...]
You can do it, [he says afterward, in complete agreement.
Then he withdraws like the last of the daylight, sitting back on his thin ankles, using one hand to undo the button on his own pants. In one smooth movement, he stands up again and deals with the silver hint of a zipper, too. Fabric seemingly melts off of him with the single practiced undulation of his body. Underneath, as per usual, he's completely bare and lacking in self-consciousness. He steps out of his pants, moving away from Shinji, now approaching the promising shoreline. The closer he gets, the better the misted breeze feels on his exposed skin.
Later on, when they're done, it might be fun to reward Shinji for his participation. If Shinji is still interested in a proper kiss, that is. If Shinji would like to kiss him for real and wasn't just caught up in the moment. For the time being, for the rest of the evening, Kaworu would prefer to watch how Shinji confronts the awaiting lake. The water will likely look so nice when it's up to Shinji's ankles, his knees, his waist, maybe even his shoulders... Shinji might trust Kaworu enough to take him out that far, as long as he has something to hold on to. Being submerged isn't such a bad thing, Kaworu thinks. It should feel like homecoming to Lilin, shouldn't it?
Kaworu wades into the shallows and, inordinately pleased, he flicks his toes to create some ripples. It's kind of surreal to remember how he shuffled along for so many cycles, every action and reaction perfectly scripted for him. He rarely wondered what it would be like to go swimming in Lake Ashino, but now he's going to finally find out.
Glancing over his shoulder, he calls out,] Come on, Shinji-kun. The water feels wonderful.
[It feels like a pity kiss. Asuka would probably say so, too. Asuka... She and Kaworu are completely different. Her mouth was unforgiving, even when Shinji didn’t know what to apologize for. Kaworu’s was soft, a little sticky, and not at all unkind. He won’t hurt me, Shinji realizes, dazed. Kaworu is gentle, and they’re friends... and that’s why Shinji can bear to risk drowning. Kaworu already makes him feel like there’s something foreign in his lungs; water can’t be that much worse.
And now Kaworu is undressed completely. A jut, a curve — his body is made of lines, and Shinji can see them all right now. It’d be rude to stare. It’d be rude and weird and awful. Shinji is really, really trying not to. But he’s already a failure at so much that it’s no wonder he doesn’t succeed at this either... He tries instead to distract himself with his clothing. That works a little better.] I’m coming, [he says half-heartedly, while he works at the rest of his buttons.
Still, he can’t help but look up occasionally. Watching Kaworu move further away from him gives him a queasy feeling high in his stomach, which he recognizes as anxiety. Don’t leave me, he wants to say, although he doesn’t make an effort to hurry and catch up. His dress shirt and t-shirt are both off, now, but he’s taking the time to fold them — he’s stalling. And he knows that he’s stalling. Rather than moving to meet Kaworu, though, he wants Kaworu to come back to him, where it’s safe.
Well, and taking everything off out here in the open feels so embarrassing. Kaworu-kun’s amazing, Shinji thinks. He’s able to do so much. He can bare himself and float and swim and make a mess of Shinji’s insides. He’s soothing and stirring. He doesn’t seem afraid of anything. And he’s beautiful to boot.
Shinji lets out a disappointed breath. There. That’s it. He used the word beautiful after all. This whole time, he’d been trying to angle away toward other phrases, but it came into his mind just like that and there’s no going back... Nagisa Kaworu is beautiful. He’s amazing. And, He looks at me like I’m special. He said... It’s hard and scary to think about how kind Kaworu is, and how handsome his face is, and how it makes Shinji feel to see his naked body in the water. What is he going to think of me? Shinji thinks self-consciously, as if they haven’t already bathed together, but, hands at his waist, he takes a deep breath. He undoes his belt, his button, his zipper, and squeezes his eyes shut before opening them again. Kaworu is a white beacon in the shallows of the lake. His body beckons. Shinji purses his lips, drops his pants, and finally exhales.
Now all that’s left is to get to the water.
The walk down to the edge of the lake takes years, as far as Shinji can tell. He’s surprised that Kaworu doesn’t become an old man right before his eyes. Instead, Kaworu just grows closer, and closer still, until the water is at the middle of his calf and he doesn’t know what to do next.]
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labyrinthos) wrote2014-08-14 03:52 am
no subject
Okay, [he says finally, feeling simultaneously defeated and exhilarated by Kaworu’s welcoming words and enticing tone (and body). It’s hard for Shinji to resist a plea, and any amount of sweetness is even more convincing. Kaworu is kind to him. And, he tries to tell himself, Kaworu will not let him drown. Not to mention, seeing Kaworu moving with such grace when he's so bare makes Shinji willing to listen to anything he has to say. It's hard not to gape, and that's why he tries to stare at one of his own knees, avoiding the greater expanses of Kaworu's skin that would otherwise be in view. He can deal with the edge of a wrist, the start of one pale forearm. Maybe.] Sure. But I won’t be any good at it. Sorry.
[Better to get the apology out of the way now, so that Kaworu understands what he’s signing up for. Shinji can already picture himself floundering, straining and flailing his limbs, generally making a fool of himself. Even thinking about it fills a pool of shame in his stomach, shallow now but growing deeper by the second, as he imagines how much of an idiot he’ll look. Again he tells himself that Kaworu won’t let him drown, but he figures by the time they’re finished, he’ll wish he’d drowned anyway. When you’re someone like Kaworu — cool and capable, and even handsome too — looking at someone like Shinji must be laughable.
Shinji looks to the left. His hands, he realizes, have relaxed underneath Kaworu’s, despite the anxious churn of his stomach. But his palms will probably start to sweat, soon, and that’s almost as embarrassing as envisioning his predestined failure at swimming. It’s best to just... Well, but he doesn’t really want to work his hands out from underneath Kaworu’s. His toes curl and uncurl, restless in the sand.] I’ll undress now, then. [Oh, man. It was super awkward to just announce it like that, wasn’t it? Shinji wants to bury his face in his hands. After a few second of internal panic, he dares to sneak another look at Kaworu’s face.]
no subject
To be honest, Kaworu feels so comfortable that he doesn't want to remove his hands. He's aware of how he can touch Shinji whenever he wants (right now), and that does nothing to diminish the specialness of it each time. Lest it be forgotten, there was a time when...]
I'm only asking you to try and learn, [he says earnestly.] But you have more potential than you know, Shinji-kun, even if... [Ah, he finds the impetus to move one of his hands: he's reaching up to Shinji's anything-but-plain face. The tips of his fingers must feel adhesive (the water will wash it away soon enough) (soon enough) when he brushes them over Shinji's soft cheek. Shinji is so red all over compared to a minute ago. It's interesting, how Lilin blood can rush around in response to stimuli.
Realizing he has lost his line of thought--something about Shinji's fragile heart, no doubt--he wonders if he should simply summarize by kissing Shinji. It wouldn't be a bad time for such affection; obviously, Shinji would welcome it if he didn't splutter about it first. Kaworu's smile spreads, then spreads more, warm and sweet like melting ice cream. He leans in and angles his head in just the right way. They're very close now. They're even closer when Kaworu asks himself if this is what Shinji really wants, because there was a time when Shinji really didn't want it. Of course he wants to. But only because you've forced him to accept you. What? Surely you've noticed. What are you trying to say? Or maybe you haven't. I don't understand. Or maybe you have and you don't want to accept it. That can't be-- Do you believe willful ignorance absolves you of your sins? Because it doesn't, you think, and there's a pulse behind Kaworu's eyes, hot and painful, making him feel unusually light-headed. He closes his eyes out of reflex, and he doesn't kiss Shinji after all.
When he opens his eyes, it seems the sunlight is so much brighter than before. It hurts.]
Yeah. Get undressed.
[His sticky fingers drop down to the buttons on Shinji's shirt, which he plucks at fleetingly and teasingly.]
no subject
And nothing happens.
He opens his eyes up wide to scan Kaworu’s face with a pressured desperation. Did he read it wrong? Now he really does want to drown. He’d been sitting there with his eyes closed, looking like he wanted a kiss, and that wasn’t what Kaworu was going for at all... He really wants to drown. Every time Shinji thinks he can’t feel more embarrassed, he proves himself wrong.
He’s still trying to hold his breath when he says,] Um. I— [He doesn’t register Kaworu’s words until his buttons are toyed with, and Shinji’s eyes go bright and wide and nervous. His hands flutter nervously against Kaworu’s like a moth beating its wings against a bulb.] I can do it! [Inside of him, it feels like all his blood is turning into air bubbles, and like his guts are sand. He takes a deep breath, holds it for a moment, and then lets it out. He does not disintegrate.] Kaworu-kun... I can do it... [His fingers nudge underneath Kaworu’s, pressing against his own buttons, and he manages to fumble until the first and then the second are undone, as if to prove himself.] See? So...
no subject
You can do it, [he says afterward, in complete agreement.
Then he withdraws like the last of the daylight, sitting back on his thin ankles, using one hand to undo the button on his own pants. In one smooth movement, he stands up again and deals with the silver hint of a zipper, too. Fabric seemingly melts off of him with the single practiced undulation of his body. Underneath, as per usual, he's completely bare and lacking in self-consciousness. He steps out of his pants, moving away from Shinji, now approaching the promising shoreline. The closer he gets, the better the misted breeze feels on his exposed skin.
Later on, when they're done, it might be fun to reward Shinji for his participation. If Shinji is still interested in a proper kiss, that is. If Shinji would like to kiss him for real and wasn't just caught up in the moment. For the time being, for the rest of the evening, Kaworu would prefer to watch how Shinji confronts the awaiting lake. The water will likely look so nice when it's up to Shinji's ankles, his knees, his waist, maybe even his shoulders... Shinji might trust Kaworu enough to take him out that far, as long as he has something to hold on to. Being submerged isn't such a bad thing, Kaworu thinks. It should feel like homecoming to Lilin, shouldn't it?
Kaworu wades into the shallows and, inordinately pleased, he flicks his toes to create some ripples. It's kind of surreal to remember how he shuffled along for so many cycles, every action and reaction perfectly scripted for him. He rarely wondered what it would be like to go swimming in Lake Ashino, but now he's going to finally find out.
Glancing over his shoulder, he calls out,] Come on, Shinji-kun. The water feels wonderful.
no subject
And now Kaworu is undressed completely. A jut, a curve — his body is made of lines, and Shinji can see them all right now. It’d be rude to stare. It’d be rude and weird and awful. Shinji is really, really trying not to. But he’s already a failure at so much that it’s no wonder he doesn’t succeed at this either... He tries instead to distract himself with his clothing. That works a little better.] I’m coming, [he says half-heartedly, while he works at the rest of his buttons.
Still, he can’t help but look up occasionally. Watching Kaworu move further away from him gives him a queasy feeling high in his stomach, which he recognizes as anxiety. Don’t leave me, he wants to say, although he doesn’t make an effort to hurry and catch up. His dress shirt and t-shirt are both off, now, but he’s taking the time to fold them — he’s stalling. And he knows that he’s stalling. Rather than moving to meet Kaworu, though, he wants Kaworu to come back to him, where it’s safe.
Well, and taking everything off out here in the open feels so embarrassing. Kaworu-kun’s amazing, Shinji thinks. He’s able to do so much. He can bare himself and float and swim and make a mess of Shinji’s insides. He’s soothing and stirring. He doesn’t seem afraid of anything. And he’s beautiful to boot.
Shinji lets out a disappointed breath. There. That’s it. He used the word beautiful after all. This whole time, he’d been trying to angle away toward other phrases, but it came into his mind just like that and there’s no going back... Nagisa Kaworu is beautiful. He’s amazing. And, He looks at me like I’m special. He said... It’s hard and scary to think about how kind Kaworu is, and how handsome his face is, and how it makes Shinji feel to see his naked body in the water. What is he going to think of me? Shinji thinks self-consciously, as if they haven’t already bathed together, but, hands at his waist, he takes a deep breath. He undoes his belt, his button, his zipper, and squeezes his eyes shut before opening them again. Kaworu is a white beacon in the shallows of the lake. His body beckons. Shinji purses his lips, drops his pants, and finally exhales.
Now all that’s left is to get to the water.
The walk down to the edge of the lake takes years, as far as Shinji can tell. He’s surprised that Kaworu doesn’t become an old man right before his eyes. Instead, Kaworu just grows closer, and closer still, until the water is at the middle of his calf and he doesn’t know what to do next.]
Here I am, [he says faintly.]