[He missed the final meeting at the shore with the curling morning mist. He missed the final-final meeting after that, to follow up on why he missed the final meeting. Then he missed the Tabris-what-the-hell-are-you-doing meeting, which he was notified of in the form of a text message, telling him to be there at the appointed time & ready to explain yourself. He deleted that message and additionally disposed of his cell phone, so he's probably missing all sorts of meetings and the notifications thereof at this point. It's now three days, six hours, and twenty-one minutes since Tabris has gone AWOL. And, like the handful of times he's gone AWOL before, he doesn't feel any particular sense of regret. He made a decision for himself, and whatever results from that decision is something he's going to have to live with. Or, die with. Either way. Eventually, the old men will get so impatient that they'll come gunning for Tabris and the rest of NERV. This time, Tabris thinks, he'll be better prepared to deal with...
Before he can pause too long or too pensively, he remembers to swallow his mouthful of watermelon. It tastes good: cold, fresh, juicy, and clear. He doesn't ask where it came from. At this point, it doesn't really matter because Kaji-san is dead (again). It's now three days, six hours, and twenty-two minutes since Tabris has gone AWOL. Living on borrowed time he doesn't deserve, he's staring at the boy he's in love with and eating good watermelon while they're sitting on the shore of Lake Ashino. He hasn't visited this shoreline since his earliest days ever, but it doesn't seem any different than he remembers.
He finishes off the fruit's flesh and says,] Thank you, Shinji-kun. [There's sand in between his bare toes--their bare toes. It's really a novel sensation.] For agreeing to meet with me. [Having more time to exist has been excellent for trying out new things. Naturally, that involves coaxing the boy sitting next to him into trying out new things. He has no idea if his companion will actually step into the water with him... but stranger things have happened, haven't they?] And for the watermelon, too. I wasn't expecting you to bring anything other than yourself.
[It's now three days, six hours, and twenty-three minutes since Tabris has gone AWOL. And Nagisa Kaworu is going to teach Ikari Shinji how to swim.]
[The watermelon had been very expensive, but what else was Shinji going to spend his pilot’s allowance on? He can’t imagine saving for the future, but he’s a naturally frugal person anyway, so it’s not like he’s hurting for cash. He’d bought the watermelon because he’d foolishly felt like it could somehow help, even for a minute. Because Kaji-san would know what to do, right? About how Asuka’s made herself unavailable, about how Misato-san cried and cried. But Asuka’s still walled off, and Misato-san won’t touch the stuff, which really, Shinji should have predicted. Honestly, he’s just glad to have it out of the fridge now. He hopes Kaworu eats a lot of it, and he’s fine with finishing the rest and getting it out of the way. Here, with Kaworu, watermelon is just watermelon, right?]
Oh, well... it’s not much. [(I’m not much.)] And I didn't mind coming. I didn't expect you to ask... [Shinji's a lot more comfortable watching his feet dig into the sand, splaying to let the sand dribble through them, but he can't help but sneak glances at Kaworu every so often. Glances... possibly stares. Not too long, he hopes. He feels kind of sick every time he realizes that he's been looking for more than a moment.] No one really asks, [he admits. It’s true. He has nobody left. It’s not as though he could ever face Toji or Kensuke again, and he doesn’t want to think about it anyway. Even if Asuka were herself right now (he doesn’t want to think about that, either), it’s not as though she’d ask him for anything except a boxed lunch. Ayanami... More things he doesn’t want to think about. She wouldn’t have asked anything of him, either, would she? So there are only people he can’t bring himself to approach. And there’s no one else.
No one except Kaworu-kun.]
Um, what did you... [He looks up and makes eye contact. His insides do something really bizarre, but there’s something fascinating about Kaworu’s eyes, so Shinji doesn’t look away, even if he feels like he should. There’s a prickling gathering in his cheeks.] Did you want to talk about something? [He manages not to mumble against his watermelon.]
[Yeah. Watermelon is just watermelon. Between the two of them, watermelon is one extremely mundane thing that isn't going to careen out of control. Watermelon isn't going to betray either of them, either, unless they happen to choke on one of its seeds. (And whose fault would that be?) (Surely, not the watermelon's.) Kaworu has already come back into himself, emerging from the embrace of indefinite ennui, but the taste of watermelon is still a nice, sharp reminder that he's alive. The seawater glinting of Shinji's eyes helps to remind him of that, too. It's very strange to look at Shinji's eyes, you know, and realize they've changed somewhere along the way. He remembers it happening in the way he remembers a song, but he doesn't remember how it felt to watch it happen.
They're often caught staring at each other, and there's nothing wrong with that. He swallows one of the watermelon's seeds, briefly marvels at how Lilin replicate themselves, and doesn't choke on anything in particular. For a moment he debates eating the rind of the watermelon, then notices that Shinji has set aside that part of it. Maybe it's improper to eat the rind, then. (Maybe that's why Kaji-san looked bemused whenever he did.) Erring on the side of caution, he decides not to attempt it.]
Now I'm asking you, [he points out.] This is only the beginning of what I could ask of you. [And with the way Shinji is lately, there's so much he would agree to after a nominal amount of hesitation. Kaworu shouldn't be taking advantage of it when he's the one who knows and Shinji has no idea what's going on. He shouldn't, but it's what he's choosing to do anyway. He knows just as well that there's no one else for Shinji to rely on. Originally, knowing that Shinji had no one else felt like an achievement of the bitterest kind. Now it feels like... Really, it's very sad. He loves Shinji a great deal, so it's baffling that no one else is here for him.
But he has gone AWOL to stay with Shinji, he hasn't descended into any abyss, I'm not going to betray you again, and he's leaning back on his hands instead of reaching for more watermelon. The sunlight of these borrowed days feels even better the longer he gets to survive in it. Shinji's staring, also borrowed, feels even better than the sunlight does. It makes Kaworu want to pose and preen himself, like something with a bunch of feathers. He wants to be looked at, and he wants to look at Shinji some more.]
As an example, [he's saying now, ignoring Shinji's question,] I could ask you if you'd like to go for a swim. What do you think of that?
[The times when he catches Kaworu staring at him make Shinji’s stomach even more squirmy. It’s one thing to stare. Awkward, but somehow unavoidable. Almost expected, even, with the way Kaworu looks — the deep eyes, the sweep of his hair. But to be stared at is something else entirely, and not the sort of something Shinji is very used to. He’s good at going unnoticed, with his soft, plain face. When people do give him long looks, it’s generally because they want something. What does Kaworu want? Definitely something, right? Only the beginning of— Oh, no, what does he expect from Shinji? Surely it’s nothing that Shinji could— ]
I— S— Swim? [He hadn’t been sure what to expect, but it was nothing like that. As predicted, it’s nothing Shinji can give. He’s gaping impolitely, and when he realizes, he reddens and pulls his shoulders inward, guiding himself in close. His eyebrows are drawn up and he puffs out an awkward almost-laugh, self-deprecating. He shakes his head.] No, I... Um, I don’t know how to swim. Sorry. [The bath is as deep as he cares for. Even then, it’s easy to sink. Going in past your nose is just scary, never mind submerging your whole head... and that’s when he’s got himself firmly against the floor of the tub. In a pool, you’ve got to struggle to touch, at least in the deep end. Shinji hasn’t even tried swimming since he was very small, and at that time, everything was the deep end. He hasn’t cared to make another attempt. Besides, there’s no pool nearby. Unless...
...Wait, Kaworu can’t mean to swim in the lake...]
Sorry, [Shinji says once more, and sort-of laughs again, nervously.]
[Kaworu is still figuring out what it means to want a reason for being, again, but without the yelling and shoving that came from wanting certain things before. To begin with, he wants to live longer than SEELE's scenario calls for. He wants to spend the time he's alive with this Lilin known as Shinji, doing whatever it is they want to do. In his heart of hearts, he wants to bear witness to the future alongside Shinji; he doesn't want to start over again and again (and again) and again. It's exhausting to keep starting all over again, but that exhaustion isn't deadening for his spirit anymore. Instead it's led to him feeling a lot livelier, if only because he's getting to try out new things and defy any and all expectations. The old men haven't an appreciation of what power they're dealing with, each time. It's kind of exciting...
After he listens to Shinji's stuttering and apologizing, he smiles in a way that's surely nonjudgmental.] Shinji-kun doesn't know how to swim, [he restates, a touch sympathetic, maybe regretful.] No one can know everything, after all, no matter how long or how well they've lived.
But that's not what I'm asking you, Shinji-kun.
[He pushes off of his hands, prompt and energetic, returning to an upright position. His palms are caked with a fine layer of sand, which he doesn't bother to brush against his uniform pants. The water will wash it away soon enough.]
I'm asking you if you'd like to go for a swim.
[Without waiting for another protest, he firmly plants both of his feet on the ground. Then, as soon as he stands all the way up, he looks out over the rippling surface of the lake. If that unbridled smile on his face is any indication, he might as well be looking at a promised land of infinite potential.]
[It’s a little bit of a rollercoaster to sit here at the lakeside with Kaworu, who simultaneously pacifies Shinji’s nerves and sends them spinning. Shinji’s stomach feels massively anxious, between their shared stares and the subject of swimming, but something about Kaworu makes a part of Shinji feel really calm, too. Come to think of it, isn’t this a lot like a bath right now? It’s too easy for Shinji to think of the bad stuff, what could go wrong, what his own face might look like right now (probably weird), whether Kaworu will want to leave him if he’s not agreeable enough... but, like hot water and soft steam, Kaworu makes Shinji want to relax. He’s nice. He’s so nice.
Instead of giving a quick or pressured answer, Shinji makes himself take a slow bite of his current slice of watermelon. His fingers feel sticky, which just makes him even more anxious. He wants to rub his forehead, but that would get his hair sticky, too... Finally, he thinks to say,] I’m not surprised you can swim, Kaworu-kun. I bet you’re good at it. I’d just sink like a rock if I tried, but you... You know how to float, right? Even though I really don’t think we’re made for that sort of thing...
[It’s an avoidant non-answer, but he doesn’t know how to say no to a request like this and it’s too scary to just say yes. It’s not that he thinks Kaworu isn’t a capable teacher — he bets that’s something else Kaworu’s good at. Rather, he considers himself an incapable student. Shinji’s really the type to go with the flow, but he also doesn’t want to flail and drown in front of an accomplished swimmer. Or anyone. But especially not Kaworu-kun.
Shinji realizes that he’s tilted his head back enough to take in the length of Kaworu’s standing form. Something about his shape against the lake and the horizon is really... What’s an okay word to use here? Pleasing? For some reason, Shinji’s hyperaware of the stickiness of his fingers.
[Kaworu takes a few seconds to inflate his lungs with the air he doesn't need. The weather isn't that much cooler nowadays--the season known as winter stopped existing more than a while ago--but the spread of air through his chest is crisp and invigorating. The lack of outright refusal on Shinji's part is a good sign, he thinks. If Shinji began to caterwaul, to beg for mercy and anything but a dip in the lake, Kaworu wouldn't dare to drag him into it. But Shinji is making askance observations and excuses, not quite addressing the issue. It's a good sign. Kaworu exhales, then, enjoying the interplay of full and empty spaces, and looks down at where Shinji is looking up at him. They're drawn into eye contact once more, which causes the same squirmy-calm as ever. Shinji isn't the only one who feels a little out of sorts when they're put together. In that dulling stretch of so ist das Leben, loving Shinji was a given and not disturbing besides. But now...
It's like getting to fall in love all over again. Everything feels new, and new, and newer still.
Kaworu is very much in love with this boy, so his voice is patient throughout his explanation.] If you weren't made to float, you wouldn't know that it's possible. Swimming relies on the natural buoyancy of Lilin bodies. And I've heard about entire competitions devoted to swimming athleticism: who can swim the fastest, or for the longest. Isn't that amazing? Even the best swimmers in the world had to start somewhere, and it's exactly where you're starting now.
[Reaching up to his chest, he undoes a button on his pristine dress shirt. He really doesn't care if anyone happens to see them out here, even if they're on a relatively remote stretch of beach. This distant section of Tokyo-3 has little more than massive solar power-absorbing blocks in attendance. And, with how long it's been since Tabris has gone AWOL, the horizon will be host to a sunset soon enough.]
It wasn't hard to learn, though.
[Especially for Kaworu. Hatching straight into a tank of LCL made an accomplished swimmer of him from day one. Regardless, he wholeheartedly believes that Shinji simply needs to give himself a chance to swim. That natural buoyancy...]
We won't have to go too far into the water, [he adds gently.]
[Just as it hadn’t been surprising that Kaworu can swim, it isn’t surprising that he says something like this, and that he talks like he knows a thing or two about it. Probably, Kaworu knows a thing or two about everything. But it’s never been easy for Shinji to have faith in people’s words. He believes, perhaps, that they believe what they do: to assume that everyone is lying to him is taxing, and it’s just easier not to overthink his interactions with others even more than he already does. He generally resigns himself to nodding and moving on, when a person says something he can’t really buy into.
But as with the feeling of squirmy-calm, as with the persistent negative thoughts swaddled by the steam of a hot bath, Shinji finds himself wanting to trust the things that Kaworu says. He wants to be able to float. Kaworu says he can... And Kaworu says it’s amazing. Then look at a swimmer that way, part of Shinji wants to say, and not me. He sees what’s in Kaworu’s eyes and he’s not sure how to parse it. Nobody looks at him like that. Nobody ever has. He’s not even really sure what it is (or, if he does know, he tells himself, it can’t be).]
I guess it’s amazing, [Shinji allows, eyes on the last of his fruit, because, honestly, it is. He can’t even imagine swimming, let alone speeding through the water, slick and determined and able to catch a prize. Then again, what prizes does Ikari Shinji know? Yes; he can’t even imagine swimming...
...Yet he’s starting to imagine it, just a little...
He looks away from his watermelon rind and up to Kaworu, to tell him that maybe it’s fine if they don’t have to go in very far, but— ]
K- Kaworu-kun?! [He’s unbuttoning his shirt – is he undressing?! Shinji’s voice comes out as a panicked squawk.] Someone’s... Kaworu-kun, someone’s going to see you!
[That's a strange thing to say, isn't it? Ikari Shinji-kun is "someone"--he's the most important someone there ever was or ever will be--but he's already staring at Kaworu. By process of elimination, Shinji must be referring to someone else. Kaworu blinks a few times, then looks up and around at their lonely shoreline. He's very intent in his search. It could be that SEELE's agents have moved sooner than expected, but... no... there's no one else within a kilometer. A few smaller Lilin, sure, definitely. Not human beings.
His search completed, Kaworu turns back to Shinji, evidently affectionate. He says, with curiosity,]
I don't mind if Shinji-kun sees me.
[He should have established such a certain truth already, but maybe the reminder is helpful. A second button yields like the first, and then a third, and a fourth after that. This is some of the same clothing he's worn for longer than he wants to think about; he could navigate its specifics in his sleep. Speaking of which, that's something else he has given himself the chance to try out... Usually, his overnight stays at NERV would be fond and wakeful, like a vigil, as he waited for destiny to tick down to doomsday. Last night, though, when Shinji went home and Kaworu was left to an empty bedroom, Kaworu actually slept for a decent number of hours. It was so self-indulgent.
Anyway, he sheds the dress shirt entirely, leaving only the orange T-shirt underneath. He thinks, possibly, he should find a different color to wear from now on. He can't control his own self-image like the rest of Adam's children, but he can change the colors he fits himself into. How about pink? Green? Blue? (Blue looks really nice when it's on Shinji's body.) Purple, also, wouldn't be disagreeable at all.]
--Oh. [Still curious:] You're expecting us to swim in our clothing?
[Seeming so casual about a public state of undress makes Shinji think, not for the first time, that Kaworu’s a little like Ayanami. Then again, he isn’t. He’s totally himself. Shinji thinks, Nobody says my name that way. Ayanami certainly does not.
This has stopped being like a hot bath. At least when they were bathing, it was... normal, for them to be out of their clothes. A public bath is something entirely different, because something like that is expected. People go to the bath and they know they’re going to take their clothes off. Nobody expects to do that when they go out for a day at the lake, right? But if Kaworu invited Shinji here specifically to swim, then he probably planned this... Oh. Shinji’s face blooms back into an awkward heat. Being around Kaworu is kind of dizzying for that reason: Shinji feels like he hasn’t been able to stop blushing since they met. It’s weird, right? It’s definitely weird to feel so hot around a boy... yet...
He shakes his head and looks intently at the watermelon rind. Well, he does for a moment. Then, he can’t help it: though his face is turned down, his eyes raise until he’s looking at Kaworu again, hopefully secretly (probably not). He’s really undressing, right out here... And he looks so bright in the daylight. He’s not colored a rosy sunset palette as he was during their first meeting: the sky above is still blue, and the sun still has some time before it slides past the horizon. So, Kaworu’s eyes are the reddest thing around. His skin looks soft and cool and pale like the sand at Shinji’s feet. His hair makes him look carefree. Shinji casts about for a word to use that isn’t ‘beautiful,’ because isn’t it strange to think that? Maybe he can use ‘pleasing’ again. Like... aesthetics. Right? Aesthetics and personality... They’re pleasant. Kaworu’s words are pleasant. Reasonable, too. Even if Shinji’s hesitant, he feels coaxed.] Well, I guess not... It’s just... [Shinji glances around furtively, searching the shore like Kaworu already has. Nobody he’s here, it’s true, but...] Someone could come, [is his weak protest. He curls his toes self-consciously in the sand.] Don’t you think?
[Shinji's gaze is absolutely the antithesis of a secret. It has a tangible quality to it, or so it seems, no matter where it chooses to travel on Kaworu's body. Kaworu is hyperaware of the path(s) taken while he pulls the thin T-shirt up and over and off of his head. To be fair, he's being a little unfair with Shinji by being so demonstrative in front of him. Lilin bodies react in the most interesting ways when they're confronted with what a combination of chemicals and consciousness will find--in a word--"pleasing." Beautiful. Lovely. Dazzling. Or, simply, attractive. Shinji has always been attracted to him to some extent, so he's being unfair in how he removes his shirt and then stretches his arms overhead. His joints don't need to be stretched to stay flexible and functional. Still, it feels good to drop his shoulders and raise his arms; it feels good to watch the progression of Shinji's blush. Not even the most exquisite rose could compare to the reddening of those cheeks.]
Sure, [Kaworu says, lowering his limber limbs again,] I think someone else could come. [Clearly, this isn't going to deter his plans: he's casually undoing the buckle of his belt.] But if everything you do depends on what someone else might do, when are you ever going to do something for yourself? [With his belt freed and its ends pulled apart, that leaves just the button and zipper on his pants...
Abruptly, he kneels down in front of Shinji, half-undressed, right there in the sand. Then he leans forward and reaches out, gingerly taking the watermelon rind out of Shinji's grasp--he's been clinging to it, hasn't he, like it's something he can hide behind? You're so cute, Kaworu thinks, because it's not going to protect him. Kaworu deposits the rind with the rest of them, then comfortably settles both of his hands over Shinji's. The contrast in skin pigmentation is striking, as ever, while they share in common the stickiness from the juice. But, again: the water will wash it away soon enough.
His eyes are so warm, so convinced, so faithful. What he says next has incredible conviction under the sweet glaze of a plea.]
Shinji-kun. Let's go swimming together.
[Repetition, he has learned, is key to communication.]
[The rind had felt somewhat like a shield, even if ineffective. When Kaworu takes it away, Shinji inhales deeply and slowly, staring down when he feels Kaworu’s palms over his knuckles. So the stickiness of their hands is the same... Shinji’s mouth feels sticky, too, and the edge of his chin. Then, maybe also... He lifts his gaze from their joined hands to Kaworu’s lips, before reddening further and casting his eyes low again.]
Okay, [he says finally, feeling simultaneously defeated and exhilarated by Kaworu’s welcoming words and enticing tone (and body). It’s hard for Shinji to resist a plea, and any amount of sweetness is even more convincing. Kaworu is kind to him. And, he tries to tell himself, Kaworu will not let him drown. Not to mention, seeing Kaworu moving with such grace when he's so bare makes Shinji willing to listen to anything he has to say. It's hard not to gape, and that's why he tries to stare at one of his own knees, avoiding the greater expanses of Kaworu's skin that would otherwise be in view. He can deal with the edge of a wrist, the start of one pale forearm. Maybe.] Sure. But I won’t be any good at it. Sorry.
[Better to get the apology out of the way now, so that Kaworu understands what he’s signing up for. Shinji can already picture himself floundering, straining and flailing his limbs, generally making a fool of himself. Even thinking about it fills a pool of shame in his stomach, shallow now but growing deeper by the second, as he imagines how much of an idiot he’ll look. Again he tells himself that Kaworu won’t let him drown, but he figures by the time they’re finished, he’ll wish he’d drowned anyway. When you’re someone like Kaworu — cool and capable, and even handsome too — looking at someone like Shinji must be laughable.
Shinji looks to the left. His hands, he realizes, have relaxed underneath Kaworu’s, despite the anxious churn of his stomach. But his palms will probably start to sweat, soon, and that’s almost as embarrassing as envisioning his predestined failure at swimming. It’s best to just... Well, but he doesn’t really want to work his hands out from underneath Kaworu’s. His toes curl and uncurl, restless in the sand.] I’ll undress now, then. [Oh, man. It was super awkward to just announce it like that, wasn’t it? Shinji wants to bury his face in his hands. After a few second of internal panic, he dares to sneak another look at Kaworu’s face.]
[This never-ending cycle of looking, refusing to look, and trying to look secretively is starting to do strange things to Kaworu's viscera. It's an endearing shyness, of course it is, and he'll never turn down having Shinji's eyes lapping at him, no matter how hesitant the waves may be. At the same time, though, it's kind of... frustrating... right now. He can remember a time when Shinji wouldn't back down from an impromptu staring contest. He can remember a time when Shinji wouldn't back down from anything to do with a weird, creepy transfer student. In any case, in any case, it doesn't matter what was or wasn't because right now Shinji has finally agreed to go swimming. Maybe it was a foregone conclusion, with how much cajoling Kaworu was having to do, but it still resembles a pulse-quickening victory.
To be honest, Kaworu feels so comfortable that he doesn't want to remove his hands. He's aware of how he can touch Shinji whenever he wants (right now), and that does nothing to diminish the specialness of it each time. Lest it be forgotten, there was a time when...]
I'm only asking you to try and learn, [he says earnestly.] But you have more potential than you know, Shinji-kun, even if... [Ah, he finds the impetus to move one of his hands: he's reaching up to Shinji's anything-but-plain face. The tips of his fingers must feel adhesive (the water will wash it away soon enough) (soon enough) when he brushes them over Shinji's soft cheek. Shinji is so red all over compared to a minute ago. It's interesting, how Lilin blood can rush around in response to stimuli.
Realizing he has lost his line of thought--something about Shinji's fragile heart, no doubt--he wonders if he should simply summarize by kissing Shinji. It wouldn't be a bad time for such affection; obviously, Shinji would welcome it if he didn't splutter about it first. Kaworu's smile spreads, then spreads more, warm and sweet like melting ice cream. He leans in and angles his head in just the right way. They're very close now. They're even closer when Kaworu asks himself if this is what Shinji really wants, because there was a time when Shinji really didn't want it. Of course he wants to. But only because you've forced him to accept you. What? Surely you've noticed. What are you trying to say? Or maybe you haven't. I don't understand. Or maybe you have and you don't want to accept it. That can't be-- Do you believe willful ignorance absolves you of your sins? Because it doesn't, you think, and there's a pulse behind Kaworu's eyes, hot and painful, making him feel unusually light-headed. He closes his eyes out of reflex, and he doesn't kiss Shinji after all.
When he opens his eyes, it seems the sunlight is so much brighter than before. It hurts.]
Yeah. Get undressed.
[His sticky fingers drop down to the buttons on Shinji's shirt, which he plucks at fleetingly and teasingly.]
[It should be a little gross to have sticky fingers at his face. It should be kind of uncomfortable. But Shinji is only aware of the closeness between himself and Kaworu, the cool of his skin compared to the heat of the sluggish afternoon... He can hear the lake, and his own blood rushing in his ears. His pulse scares him a little bit. Kaworu scares him a little bit, too, but it’s such a warm feeling; it’s exciting for his heart, his face, and every one of his nerves. Is this what it feels like to be touched? Is this what he’s been missing out on all along? Shinji’s been avoiding unnecessary touches for a while now, but Kaworu’s hands feel like they could be a necessity after all. Maybe this is why adults touch each other... Maybe this is why they — kiss. Shinji really thinks he is going to be kissed. Oh no, oh no, his mind is saying, oh no, but he doesn’t jerk away or pull back at all. He’s holding his breath (Asuka didn’t like the way he tickled her). He’s closing his eyes (it feels a little scary to watch someone draw in that closely). He’s waiting (and waiting, and waiting)...
And nothing happens.
He opens his eyes up wide to scan Kaworu’s face with a pressured desperation. Did he read it wrong? Now he really does want to drown. He’d been sitting there with his eyes closed, looking like he wanted a kiss, and that wasn’t what Kaworu was going for at all... He really wants to drown. Every time Shinji thinks he can’t feel more embarrassed, he proves himself wrong.
He’s still trying to hold his breath when he says,] Um. I— [He doesn’t register Kaworu’s words until his buttons are toyed with, and Shinji’s eyes go bright and wide and nervous. His hands flutter nervously against Kaworu’s like a moth beating its wings against a bulb.] I can do it! [Inside of him, it feels like all his blood is turning into air bubbles, and like his guts are sand. He takes a deep breath, holds it for a moment, and then lets it out. He does not disintegrate.] Kaworu-kun... I can do it... [His fingers nudge underneath Kaworu’s, pressing against his own buttons, and he manages to fumble until the first and then the second are undone, as if to prove himself.] See? So...
[For disappointing Shinji like this, Kaworu surely deserves to have a Prog knife shoved into his core. But, as far as he can introspect, this current course of action is the best. If he allowed them to kiss, they could spend the entire evening just kissing each other. They'd really never make it as far as the water; he'd have his hands and his mouth full with introducing Shinji to intimacy. He can't deny how disappointing and how unfair he's being by pulling away, though. It feels like a fatal mistake, even when it shouldn't be; no one ever died from not receiving a kiss. Humming softly, he decides to compromise by kissing Shinji on the cheek. It's not quite chaste, either, but it won't drive him to distraction...]
You can do it, [he says afterward, in complete agreement.
Then he withdraws like the last of the daylight, sitting back on his thin ankles, using one hand to undo the button on his own pants. In one smooth movement, he stands up again and deals with the silver hint of a zipper, too. Fabric seemingly melts off of him with the single practiced undulation of his body. Underneath, as per usual, he's completely bare and lacking in self-consciousness. He steps out of his pants, moving away from Shinji, now approaching the promising shoreline. The closer he gets, the better the misted breeze feels on his exposed skin.
Later on, when they're done, it might be fun to reward Shinji for his participation. If Shinji is still interested in a proper kiss, that is. If Shinji would like to kiss him for real and wasn't just caught up in the moment. For the time being, for the rest of the evening, Kaworu would prefer to watch how Shinji confronts the awaiting lake. The water will likely look so nice when it's up to Shinji's ankles, his knees, his waist, maybe even his shoulders... Shinji might trust Kaworu enough to take him out that far, as long as he has something to hold on to. Being submerged isn't such a bad thing, Kaworu thinks. It should feel like homecoming to Lilin, shouldn't it?
Kaworu wades into the shallows and, inordinately pleased, he flicks his toes to create some ripples. It's kind of surreal to remember how he shuffled along for so many cycles, every action and reaction perfectly scripted for him. He rarely wondered what it would be like to go swimming in Lake Ashino, but now he's going to finally find out.
Glancing over his shoulder, he calls out,] Come on, Shinji-kun. The water feels wonderful.
[It feels like a pity kiss. Asuka would probably say so, too. Asuka... She and Kaworu are completely different. Her mouth was unforgiving, even when Shinji didn’t know what to apologize for. Kaworu’s was soft, a little sticky, and not at all unkind. He won’t hurt me, Shinji realizes, dazed. Kaworu is gentle, and they’re friends... and that’s why Shinji can bear to risk drowning. Kaworu already makes him feel like there’s something foreign in his lungs; water can’t be that much worse.
And now Kaworu is undressed completely. A jut, a curve — his body is made of lines, and Shinji can see them all right now. It’d be rude to stare. It’d be rude and weird and awful. Shinji is really, really trying not to. But he’s already a failure at so much that it’s no wonder he doesn’t succeed at this either... He tries instead to distract himself with his clothing. That works a little better.] I’m coming, [he says half-heartedly, while he works at the rest of his buttons.
Still, he can’t help but look up occasionally. Watching Kaworu move further away from him gives him a queasy feeling high in his stomach, which he recognizes as anxiety. Don’t leave me, he wants to say, although he doesn’t make an effort to hurry and catch up. His dress shirt and t-shirt are both off, now, but he’s taking the time to fold them — he’s stalling. And he knows that he’s stalling. Rather than moving to meet Kaworu, though, he wants Kaworu to come back to him, where it’s safe.
Well, and taking everything off out here in the open feels so embarrassing. Kaworu-kun’s amazing, Shinji thinks. He’s able to do so much. He can bare himself and float and swim and make a mess of Shinji’s insides. He’s soothing and stirring. He doesn’t seem afraid of anything. And he’s beautiful to boot.
Shinji lets out a disappointed breath. There. That’s it. He used the word beautiful after all. This whole time, he’d been trying to angle away toward other phrases, but it came into his mind just like that and there’s no going back... Nagisa Kaworu is beautiful. He’s amazing. And, He looks at me like I’m special. He said... It’s hard and scary to think about how kind Kaworu is, and how handsome his face is, and how it makes Shinji feel to see his naked body in the water. What is he going to think of me? Shinji thinks self-consciously, as if they haven’t already bathed together, but, hands at his waist, he takes a deep breath. He undoes his belt, his button, his zipper, and squeezes his eyes shut before opening them again. Kaworu is a white beacon in the shallows of the lake. His body beckons. Shinji purses his lips, drops his pants, and finally exhales.
Now all that’s left is to get to the water.
The walk down to the edge of the lake takes years, as far as Shinji can tell. He’s surprised that Kaworu doesn’t become an old man right before his eyes. Instead, Kaworu just grows closer, and closer still, until the water is at the middle of his calf and he doesn’t know what to do next.]
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labyrinthos) wrote2014-08-14 03:52 am
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Before he can pause too long or too pensively, he remembers to swallow his mouthful of watermelon. It tastes good: cold, fresh, juicy, and clear. He doesn't ask where it came from. At this point, it doesn't really matter because Kaji-san is dead (again). It's now three days, six hours, and twenty-two minutes since Tabris has gone AWOL. Living on borrowed time he doesn't deserve, he's staring at the boy he's in love with and eating good watermelon while they're sitting on the shore of Lake Ashino. He hasn't visited this shoreline since his earliest days ever, but it doesn't seem any different than he remembers.
He finishes off the fruit's flesh and says,] Thank you, Shinji-kun. [There's sand in between his bare toes--their bare toes. It's really a novel sensation.] For agreeing to meet with me. [Having more time to exist has been excellent for trying out new things. Naturally, that involves coaxing the boy sitting next to him into trying out new things. He has no idea if his companion will actually step into the water with him... but stranger things have happened, haven't they?] And for the watermelon, too. I wasn't expecting you to bring anything other than yourself.
[It's now three days, six hours, and twenty-three minutes since Tabris has gone AWOL. And Nagisa Kaworu is going to teach Ikari Shinji how to swim.]
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Oh, well... it’s not much. [(I’m not much.)] And I didn't mind coming. I didn't expect you to ask... [Shinji's a lot more comfortable watching his feet dig into the sand, splaying to let the sand dribble through them, but he can't help but sneak glances at Kaworu every so often. Glances... possibly stares. Not too long, he hopes. He feels kind of sick every time he realizes that he's been looking for more than a moment.] No one really asks, [he admits. It’s true. He has nobody left. It’s not as though he could ever face Toji or Kensuke again, and he doesn’t want to think about it anyway. Even if Asuka were herself right now (he doesn’t want to think about that, either), it’s not as though she’d ask him for anything except a boxed lunch. Ayanami... More things he doesn’t want to think about. She wouldn’t have asked anything of him, either, would she? So there are only people he can’t bring himself to approach. And there’s no one else.
No one except Kaworu-kun.]
Um, what did you... [He looks up and makes eye contact. His insides do something really bizarre, but there’s something fascinating about Kaworu’s eyes, so Shinji doesn’t look away, even if he feels like he should. There’s a prickling gathering in his cheeks.] Did you want to talk about something? [He manages not to mumble against his watermelon.]
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They're often caught staring at each other, and there's nothing wrong with that. He swallows one of the watermelon's seeds, briefly marvels at how Lilin replicate themselves, and doesn't choke on anything in particular. For a moment he debates eating the rind of the watermelon, then notices that Shinji has set aside that part of it. Maybe it's improper to eat the rind, then. (Maybe that's why Kaji-san looked bemused whenever he did.) Erring on the side of caution, he decides not to attempt it.]
Now I'm asking you, [he points out.] This is only the beginning of what I could ask of you. [And with the way Shinji is lately, there's so much he would agree to after a nominal amount of hesitation. Kaworu shouldn't be taking advantage of it when he's the one who knows and Shinji has no idea what's going on. He shouldn't, but it's what he's choosing to do anyway. He knows just as well that there's no one else for Shinji to rely on. Originally, knowing that Shinji had no one else felt like an achievement of the bitterest kind. Now it feels like... Really, it's very sad. He loves Shinji a great deal, so it's baffling that no one else is here for him.
But he has gone AWOL to stay with Shinji, he hasn't descended into any abyss, I'm not going to betray you again, and he's leaning back on his hands instead of reaching for more watermelon. The sunlight of these borrowed days feels even better the longer he gets to survive in it. Shinji's staring, also borrowed, feels even better than the sunlight does. It makes Kaworu want to pose and preen himself, like something with a bunch of feathers. He wants to be looked at, and he wants to look at Shinji some more.]
As an example, [he's saying now, ignoring Shinji's question,] I could ask you if you'd like to go for a swim. What do you think of that?
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I— S— Swim? [He hadn’t been sure what to expect, but it was nothing like that. As predicted, it’s nothing Shinji can give. He’s gaping impolitely, and when he realizes, he reddens and pulls his shoulders inward, guiding himself in close. His eyebrows are drawn up and he puffs out an awkward almost-laugh, self-deprecating. He shakes his head.] No, I... Um, I don’t know how to swim. Sorry. [The bath is as deep as he cares for. Even then, it’s easy to sink. Going in past your nose is just scary, never mind submerging your whole head... and that’s when he’s got himself firmly against the floor of the tub. In a pool, you’ve got to struggle to touch, at least in the deep end. Shinji hasn’t even tried swimming since he was very small, and at that time, everything was the deep end. He hasn’t cared to make another attempt. Besides, there’s no pool nearby. Unless...
...Wait, Kaworu can’t mean to swim in the lake...]
Sorry, [Shinji says once more, and sort-of laughs again, nervously.]
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After he listens to Shinji's stuttering and apologizing, he smiles in a way that's surely nonjudgmental.] Shinji-kun doesn't know how to swim, [he restates, a touch sympathetic, maybe regretful.] No one can know everything, after all, no matter how long or how well they've lived.
But that's not what I'm asking you, Shinji-kun.
[He pushes off of his hands, prompt and energetic, returning to an upright position. His palms are caked with a fine layer of sand, which he doesn't bother to brush against his uniform pants. The water will wash it away soon enough.]
I'm asking you if you'd like to go for a swim.
[Without waiting for another protest, he firmly plants both of his feet on the ground. Then, as soon as he stands all the way up, he looks out over the rippling surface of the lake. If that unbridled smile on his face is any indication, he might as well be looking at a promised land of infinite potential.]
That is to say, I want to teach you how.
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Instead of giving a quick or pressured answer, Shinji makes himself take a slow bite of his current slice of watermelon. His fingers feel sticky, which just makes him even more anxious. He wants to rub his forehead, but that would get his hair sticky, too... Finally, he thinks to say,] I’m not surprised you can swim, Kaworu-kun. I bet you’re good at it. I’d just sink like a rock if I tried, but you... You know how to float, right? Even though I really don’t think we’re made for that sort of thing...
[It’s an avoidant non-answer, but he doesn’t know how to say no to a request like this and it’s too scary to just say yes. It’s not that he thinks Kaworu isn’t a capable teacher — he bets that’s something else Kaworu’s good at. Rather, he considers himself an incapable student. Shinji’s really the type to go with the flow, but he also doesn’t want to flail and drown in front of an accomplished swimmer. Or anyone. But especially not Kaworu-kun.
Shinji realizes that he’s tilted his head back enough to take in the length of Kaworu’s standing form. Something about his shape against the lake and the horizon is really... What’s an okay word to use here? Pleasing? For some reason, Shinji’s hyperaware of the stickiness of his fingers.
Tentatively...] Was it hard to learn?
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It's like getting to fall in love all over again. Everything feels new, and new, and newer still.
Kaworu is very much in love with this boy, so his voice is patient throughout his explanation.] If you weren't made to float, you wouldn't know that it's possible. Swimming relies on the natural buoyancy of Lilin bodies. And I've heard about entire competitions devoted to swimming athleticism: who can swim the fastest, or for the longest. Isn't that amazing? Even the best swimmers in the world had to start somewhere, and it's exactly where you're starting now.
[Reaching up to his chest, he undoes a button on his pristine dress shirt. He really doesn't care if anyone happens to see them out here, even if they're on a relatively remote stretch of beach. This distant section of Tokyo-3 has little more than massive solar power-absorbing blocks in attendance. And, with how long it's been since Tabris has gone AWOL, the horizon will be host to a sunset soon enough.]
It wasn't hard to learn, though.
[Especially for Kaworu. Hatching straight into a tank of LCL made an accomplished swimmer of him from day one. Regardless, he wholeheartedly believes that Shinji simply needs to give himself a chance to swim. That natural buoyancy...]
We won't have to go too far into the water, [he adds gently.]
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But as with the feeling of squirmy-calm, as with the persistent negative thoughts swaddled by the steam of a hot bath, Shinji finds himself wanting to trust the things that Kaworu says. He wants to be able to float. Kaworu says he can... And Kaworu says it’s amazing. Then look at a swimmer that way, part of Shinji wants to say, and not me. He sees what’s in Kaworu’s eyes and he’s not sure how to parse it. Nobody looks at him like that. Nobody ever has. He’s not even really sure what it is (or, if he does know, he tells himself, it can’t be).]
I guess it’s amazing, [Shinji allows, eyes on the last of his fruit, because, honestly, it is. He can’t even imagine swimming, let alone speeding through the water, slick and determined and able to catch a prize. Then again, what prizes does Ikari Shinji know? Yes; he can’t even imagine swimming...
...Yet he’s starting to imagine it, just a little...
He looks away from his watermelon rind and up to Kaworu, to tell him that maybe it’s fine if they don’t have to go in very far, but— ]
K- Kaworu-kun?! [He’s unbuttoning his shirt – is he undressing?! Shinji’s voice comes out as a panicked squawk.] Someone’s... Kaworu-kun, someone’s going to see you!
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[That's a strange thing to say, isn't it? Ikari Shinji-kun is "someone"--he's the most important someone there ever was or ever will be--but he's already staring at Kaworu. By process of elimination, Shinji must be referring to someone else. Kaworu blinks a few times, then looks up and around at their lonely shoreline. He's very intent in his search. It could be that SEELE's agents have moved sooner than expected, but... no... there's no one else within a kilometer. A few smaller Lilin, sure, definitely. Not human beings.
His search completed, Kaworu turns back to Shinji, evidently affectionate. He says, with curiosity,]
I don't mind if Shinji-kun sees me.
[He should have established such a certain truth already, but maybe the reminder is helpful. A second button yields like the first, and then a third, and a fourth after that. This is some of the same clothing he's worn for longer than he wants to think about; he could navigate its specifics in his sleep. Speaking of which, that's something else he has given himself the chance to try out... Usually, his overnight stays at NERV would be fond and wakeful, like a vigil, as he waited for destiny to tick down to doomsday. Last night, though, when Shinji went home and Kaworu was left to an empty bedroom, Kaworu actually slept for a decent number of hours. It was so self-indulgent.
Anyway, he sheds the dress shirt entirely, leaving only the orange T-shirt underneath. He thinks, possibly, he should find a different color to wear from now on. He can't control his own self-image like the rest of Adam's children, but he can change the colors he fits himself into. How about pink? Green? Blue? (Blue looks really nice when it's on Shinji's body.) Purple, also, wouldn't be disagreeable at all.]
--Oh. [Still curious:] You're expecting us to swim in our clothing?
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This has stopped being like a hot bath. At least when they were bathing, it was... normal, for them to be out of their clothes. A public bath is something entirely different, because something like that is expected. People go to the bath and they know they’re going to take their clothes off. Nobody expects to do that when they go out for a day at the lake, right? But if Kaworu invited Shinji here specifically to swim, then he probably planned this... Oh. Shinji’s face blooms back into an awkward heat. Being around Kaworu is kind of dizzying for that reason: Shinji feels like he hasn’t been able to stop blushing since they met. It’s weird, right? It’s definitely weird to feel so hot around a boy... yet...
He shakes his head and looks intently at the watermelon rind. Well, he does for a moment. Then, he can’t help it: though his face is turned down, his eyes raise until he’s looking at Kaworu again, hopefully secretly (probably not). He’s really undressing, right out here... And he looks so bright in the daylight. He’s not colored a rosy sunset palette as he was during their first meeting: the sky above is still blue, and the sun still has some time before it slides past the horizon. So, Kaworu’s eyes are the reddest thing around. His skin looks soft and cool and pale like the sand at Shinji’s feet. His hair makes him look carefree. Shinji casts about for a word to use that isn’t ‘beautiful,’ because isn’t it strange to think that? Maybe he can use ‘pleasing’ again. Like... aesthetics. Right? Aesthetics and personality... They’re pleasant. Kaworu’s words are pleasant. Reasonable, too. Even if Shinji’s hesitant, he feels coaxed.] Well, I guess not... It’s just... [Shinji glances around furtively, searching the shore like Kaworu already has. Nobody he’s here, it’s true, but...] Someone could come, [is his weak protest. He curls his toes self-consciously in the sand.] Don’t you think?
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Sure, [Kaworu says, lowering his limber limbs again,] I think someone else could come. [Clearly, this isn't going to deter his plans: he's casually undoing the buckle of his belt.] But if everything you do depends on what someone else might do, when are you ever going to do something for yourself? [With his belt freed and its ends pulled apart, that leaves just the button and zipper on his pants...
Abruptly, he kneels down in front of Shinji, half-undressed, right there in the sand. Then he leans forward and reaches out, gingerly taking the watermelon rind out of Shinji's grasp--he's been clinging to it, hasn't he, like it's something he can hide behind? You're so cute, Kaworu thinks, because it's not going to protect him. Kaworu deposits the rind with the rest of them, then comfortably settles both of his hands over Shinji's. The contrast in skin pigmentation is striking, as ever, while they share in common the stickiness from the juice. But, again: the water will wash it away soon enough.
His eyes are so warm, so convinced, so faithful. What he says next has incredible conviction under the sweet glaze of a plea.]
Shinji-kun. Let's go swimming together.
[Repetition, he has learned, is key to communication.]
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Okay, [he says finally, feeling simultaneously defeated and exhilarated by Kaworu’s welcoming words and enticing tone (and body). It’s hard for Shinji to resist a plea, and any amount of sweetness is even more convincing. Kaworu is kind to him. And, he tries to tell himself, Kaworu will not let him drown. Not to mention, seeing Kaworu moving with such grace when he's so bare makes Shinji willing to listen to anything he has to say. It's hard not to gape, and that's why he tries to stare at one of his own knees, avoiding the greater expanses of Kaworu's skin that would otherwise be in view. He can deal with the edge of a wrist, the start of one pale forearm. Maybe.] Sure. But I won’t be any good at it. Sorry.
[Better to get the apology out of the way now, so that Kaworu understands what he’s signing up for. Shinji can already picture himself floundering, straining and flailing his limbs, generally making a fool of himself. Even thinking about it fills a pool of shame in his stomach, shallow now but growing deeper by the second, as he imagines how much of an idiot he’ll look. Again he tells himself that Kaworu won’t let him drown, but he figures by the time they’re finished, he’ll wish he’d drowned anyway. When you’re someone like Kaworu — cool and capable, and even handsome too — looking at someone like Shinji must be laughable.
Shinji looks to the left. His hands, he realizes, have relaxed underneath Kaworu’s, despite the anxious churn of his stomach. But his palms will probably start to sweat, soon, and that’s almost as embarrassing as envisioning his predestined failure at swimming. It’s best to just... Well, but he doesn’t really want to work his hands out from underneath Kaworu’s. His toes curl and uncurl, restless in the sand.] I’ll undress now, then. [Oh, man. It was super awkward to just announce it like that, wasn’t it? Shinji wants to bury his face in his hands. After a few second of internal panic, he dares to sneak another look at Kaworu’s face.]
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To be honest, Kaworu feels so comfortable that he doesn't want to remove his hands. He's aware of how he can touch Shinji whenever he wants (right now), and that does nothing to diminish the specialness of it each time. Lest it be forgotten, there was a time when...]
I'm only asking you to try and learn, [he says earnestly.] But you have more potential than you know, Shinji-kun, even if... [Ah, he finds the impetus to move one of his hands: he's reaching up to Shinji's anything-but-plain face. The tips of his fingers must feel adhesive (the water will wash it away soon enough) (soon enough) when he brushes them over Shinji's soft cheek. Shinji is so red all over compared to a minute ago. It's interesting, how Lilin blood can rush around in response to stimuli.
Realizing he has lost his line of thought--something about Shinji's fragile heart, no doubt--he wonders if he should simply summarize by kissing Shinji. It wouldn't be a bad time for such affection; obviously, Shinji would welcome it if he didn't splutter about it first. Kaworu's smile spreads, then spreads more, warm and sweet like melting ice cream. He leans in and angles his head in just the right way. They're very close now. They're even closer when Kaworu asks himself if this is what Shinji really wants, because there was a time when Shinji really didn't want it. Of course he wants to. But only because you've forced him to accept you. What? Surely you've noticed. What are you trying to say? Or maybe you haven't. I don't understand. Or maybe you have and you don't want to accept it. That can't be-- Do you believe willful ignorance absolves you of your sins? Because it doesn't, you think, and there's a pulse behind Kaworu's eyes, hot and painful, making him feel unusually light-headed. He closes his eyes out of reflex, and he doesn't kiss Shinji after all.
When he opens his eyes, it seems the sunlight is so much brighter than before. It hurts.]
Yeah. Get undressed.
[His sticky fingers drop down to the buttons on Shinji's shirt, which he plucks at fleetingly and teasingly.]
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And nothing happens.
He opens his eyes up wide to scan Kaworu’s face with a pressured desperation. Did he read it wrong? Now he really does want to drown. He’d been sitting there with his eyes closed, looking like he wanted a kiss, and that wasn’t what Kaworu was going for at all... He really wants to drown. Every time Shinji thinks he can’t feel more embarrassed, he proves himself wrong.
He’s still trying to hold his breath when he says,] Um. I— [He doesn’t register Kaworu’s words until his buttons are toyed with, and Shinji’s eyes go bright and wide and nervous. His hands flutter nervously against Kaworu’s like a moth beating its wings against a bulb.] I can do it! [Inside of him, it feels like all his blood is turning into air bubbles, and like his guts are sand. He takes a deep breath, holds it for a moment, and then lets it out. He does not disintegrate.] Kaworu-kun... I can do it... [His fingers nudge underneath Kaworu’s, pressing against his own buttons, and he manages to fumble until the first and then the second are undone, as if to prove himself.] See? So...
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You can do it, [he says afterward, in complete agreement.
Then he withdraws like the last of the daylight, sitting back on his thin ankles, using one hand to undo the button on his own pants. In one smooth movement, he stands up again and deals with the silver hint of a zipper, too. Fabric seemingly melts off of him with the single practiced undulation of his body. Underneath, as per usual, he's completely bare and lacking in self-consciousness. He steps out of his pants, moving away from Shinji, now approaching the promising shoreline. The closer he gets, the better the misted breeze feels on his exposed skin.
Later on, when they're done, it might be fun to reward Shinji for his participation. If Shinji is still interested in a proper kiss, that is. If Shinji would like to kiss him for real and wasn't just caught up in the moment. For the time being, for the rest of the evening, Kaworu would prefer to watch how Shinji confronts the awaiting lake. The water will likely look so nice when it's up to Shinji's ankles, his knees, his waist, maybe even his shoulders... Shinji might trust Kaworu enough to take him out that far, as long as he has something to hold on to. Being submerged isn't such a bad thing, Kaworu thinks. It should feel like homecoming to Lilin, shouldn't it?
Kaworu wades into the shallows and, inordinately pleased, he flicks his toes to create some ripples. It's kind of surreal to remember how he shuffled along for so many cycles, every action and reaction perfectly scripted for him. He rarely wondered what it would be like to go swimming in Lake Ashino, but now he's going to finally find out.
Glancing over his shoulder, he calls out,] Come on, Shinji-kun. The water feels wonderful.
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And now Kaworu is undressed completely. A jut, a curve — his body is made of lines, and Shinji can see them all right now. It’d be rude to stare. It’d be rude and weird and awful. Shinji is really, really trying not to. But he’s already a failure at so much that it’s no wonder he doesn’t succeed at this either... He tries instead to distract himself with his clothing. That works a little better.] I’m coming, [he says half-heartedly, while he works at the rest of his buttons.
Still, he can’t help but look up occasionally. Watching Kaworu move further away from him gives him a queasy feeling high in his stomach, which he recognizes as anxiety. Don’t leave me, he wants to say, although he doesn’t make an effort to hurry and catch up. His dress shirt and t-shirt are both off, now, but he’s taking the time to fold them — he’s stalling. And he knows that he’s stalling. Rather than moving to meet Kaworu, though, he wants Kaworu to come back to him, where it’s safe.
Well, and taking everything off out here in the open feels so embarrassing. Kaworu-kun’s amazing, Shinji thinks. He’s able to do so much. He can bare himself and float and swim and make a mess of Shinji’s insides. He’s soothing and stirring. He doesn’t seem afraid of anything. And he’s beautiful to boot.
Shinji lets out a disappointed breath. There. That’s it. He used the word beautiful after all. This whole time, he’d been trying to angle away toward other phrases, but it came into his mind just like that and there’s no going back... Nagisa Kaworu is beautiful. He’s amazing. And, He looks at me like I’m special. He said... It’s hard and scary to think about how kind Kaworu is, and how handsome his face is, and how it makes Shinji feel to see his naked body in the water. What is he going to think of me? Shinji thinks self-consciously, as if they haven’t already bathed together, but, hands at his waist, he takes a deep breath. He undoes his belt, his button, his zipper, and squeezes his eyes shut before opening them again. Kaworu is a white beacon in the shallows of the lake. His body beckons. Shinji purses his lips, drops his pants, and finally exhales.
Now all that’s left is to get to the water.
The walk down to the edge of the lake takes years, as far as Shinji can tell. He’s surprised that Kaworu doesn’t become an old man right before his eyes. Instead, Kaworu just grows closer, and closer still, until the water is at the middle of his calf and he doesn’t know what to do next.]
Here I am, [he says faintly.]